


The Physio

by Fedalfan



Category: Tennis RPF
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-13
Updated: 2021-03-07
Packaged: 2021-03-10 05:27:31
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 13
Words: 34,970
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27989214
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Fedalfan/pseuds/Fedalfan
Summary: Rafael Nadal is a Top Ten ranked tennis player, handsome, rich, with a beautiful girlfriend. It seems his life is settled.Until the day he hears his physio has to fly home from Basel........
Relationships: Roger Federer/Rafael Nadal
Comments: 64
Kudos: 76





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Sheena10](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sheena10/gifts).

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Gifted to @Sheena10 for all her kindness to the last two stories.
> 
> Yet another alternative universe from me! Here in 2014 Rafa is a successful tennis player comfortably in the Top 10 but without any Grand Slams to his name. There's still time for that to change though - he's only 24.
> 
> And Roger - where is Roger?

** El Pais March 2014 **

When Rafael Nadal first emerged onto the tennis scene there was much excitement over his potential – and with a safe position in the Top 10 and two Masters titles he has done much to confirm that early excitement. But questions still remain about his performance in the sport’s most prestigious events – he has yet to reach the semi finals of a Grand Slam and exited in the second round of the 2012 Olympics. In our exclusive interview Rafael talks openly about the game, about his future and about his relationship with his coach and uncle, Toni Nadal.

Rafael, how difficult was it for you to start on the Tour at a very young age – you were seventeen when you first burst onto the scene.

_It was strange but I think when you’re young you just have so much enthusiasm for anything new. It was hard to be away from my family but the excitement of playing and experiencing new places - that made up for a lot._

Are there things you wish you’d known then that you know how?

_Of course – especially how to cope with you guys! But seriously, organizing my time, knowing when to take a break, how to deal with demands off the court – all these things you get better at._

Your two Masters titles have both been on clay – would you say that’s your best surface?

_Yes I would. But I want to keep learning so I have a chance of winning on any surface – the time for surface specialists has passed. You can’t look at any player now and think “He might win Wimbledon but he’ll never get past the first round at Roland Garros.” To be recognized as a great player now you have to show you can perform anywhere._

Would you say your best chance of winning a Slam is at Roland Garros?

_I’d like to think I have a chance at every Slam._

What do you think has been stopping you at the Slams? How will you approach them going forward?

_The same way I’ve done in the past. I’ve played some good matches at the Slams but I’m still learning how to maintain consistency perhaps. I know people are questioning me but again, I think the days of players winning a string of slams in their teens or early twenties are just gone. The older guys have maintained their fitness so well and have all the experience – you probably have to learn your trade for longer before you can defeat them on a consistent basis._

Do you think Novak, Andy Murray, David Nalbandian are still at a level above the pack?

_Of course, you have to be realistic. I know I can compete with all those guys – I’ve beaten all of them. But until we start taking the big titles off them we can’t claim to be at their level._

There’s obviously a lot of interest in your coaching relationship with your uncle. What are the advantages and disadvantages of working so closely with a family member?

_I don’t have to pay him, that’s pretty good! But seriously, I think it means we can be very honest with each other. Anything he tells me I know it’s because he has my interests at heart._

And disadvantages?

_I don’t think there are too many. At first it was quite intense because it was just the two of us and we could get on each other’s nerves a bit. Now I have my physio Carlos and my girlfriend is with me quite a lot – not all the time because she has her own career – it means I have a very supportive team around me which I’m really enjoying._

How is your body feeling? You’ve had your problems with injuries.

_I have but I think that can be exaggerated. I haven’t missed many tournaments._

And finally – any predictions for the next year?

_That would be very dangerous! Hopefully to play well and then the results will follow._

**July 2014: Italy**

He wakes with a start – confused as to what’s happened but aware of disappointment, of being snatched away from something that was intensely pleasant, oh yes, he’d just taken the cock into his mouth……

“Rafael?” Maria turns and wraps herself around him. “You really jumped there. Bad dream?”

“No, not really.”

“Good.” She runs her hand down his stomach and then laughs. “I take that back, I think it was a very nice dream.”

“Yes, yes, it was.”

“Was I in it?”

“Of course.” Her fingers feel nice and she’s always been a morning person, he strokes her back in the way that she likes. “Do you think….?” But his words are lost as she kisses him and then it’s not long before she’s straddling him and sliding down – both of them like this position…..

“That was a nice way to start our break.”

“This is going to be a perfect break, I promise -no tennis, just fun. And you’re in charge”

“I bet you don’t keep to that.” But it’s said affectionately. “I’m going to get food, that’s made me hungry.”

He lets her go, whilst food is tempting he can never start the day properly without a shower. Maria understands that, she’s a wonderful girlfriend, supportive but still retaining a mind and desires of her own – Rafa had never wanted a relationship where a woman lived only for him. He had met her at a sponsor’s event – expecting to be bored he’d just been relieved that the company rep who’d looked after him had been friendly and down-to-earth. Then he’d noticed that her smile was extremely attractive, her skin temptingly touchable; he’d asked her out and before long they were a couple. It had been that easy.

And as for those dreams that come to him sometimes – they mean nothing, he’d looked it up on the Internet once, it’s very common to imagine what it would be like to have sex with a man, it’s just normal curiosity. He’s always found sex perfectly satisfactory and that would hardly be the case if he was…was……would it? By the time he’s showered he’s forgotten all about it.

**October 2014:Basel**

“Can’t we get someone to fly over?”

“At such short notice? Anyone decent will already be busy. I’m sure we can find a good local guy – the Swiss players can recommend someone.”

“They won’t speak Spanish or Catalan.”

“We can find someone who speaks English. You’ve seen English-speaking doctors before.”

He has of course but this is different. Your physio – the person who handles your body in such an intimate way, beyond even sex, you want to be comfortable with them, if it has to be a stranger at least let it be someone who can speak your language. But Toni is right, finding someone with the right skills who’s free to fly to Basel immediately would be next to impossible.

“Perhaps I can manage without physio.”

“That’s not a good idea at all. Carlos will be furious with you as well.”

“If only Juanita had waited a couple of weeks.”

“It’s not something a woman can really control.”

“No” He reflects guiltily that he hasn’t even asked how things are yet, he’s always had a dread of ending up as one of those utterly selfish players. “Is this dangerous – for Juanita and the baby?”

“Carlos doesn’t think so – it’s only a little bit early. Do you want to pull out of the tournament instead?”

It’s not a serious question, Tio would despise him if he did any such thing. And his reputation on the Tour would take serious damage.

“Your idea was good, Tio. Ask around the Swiss players.”

***************************************

“Could I talk to you for a moment?”

“Of course” Michael looks a little surprised though – understandably wondering what on earth Rafael Nadal’s coach wants with him.

“Rafael’s physio has had to fly home – his wife has gone into labour. We need someone quickly – do you know of anyone who’s good?”

“There’s a guy who works with us quite a bit – I can give you his name. He might not have time available though.”

“Thank you. Does he speak English?”

“Perfectly.”

“Is he good?”

“I’ll be honest – he’s a bit loud and he can be very annoying. But he really knows his stuff – my knee has been much better since he started working on it.”

“I expect Rafael can keep him quiet. Can you give me the details?”

“Sure.”

**********************************************

That had been a tough match – not as comfortable as it should have been. He heads to the session with the unknown Swiss guy with little enthusiasm, his body hadn’t felt great out there – not the best time to be putting it in the hands of a stranger.

“Hi, I’m Roger. Pleased to meet you.”

“Rafael.”

“Well, I know that.” He has a huge grin on his face as if he’s said something incredibly funny. _Christ, was this the best guy available?_

“What’s your usual routine? I thought you were feeling your hamstring out there – do you want me to see if I can do something?”

That is actually quite impressive – the discomfort had been there but not crippling – it’s sharp for someone to have noticed it. At least it seems like he knows what he’s doing.

“Yes, that would be good. And….” He details what Carlos would normally do.

“No problem. What sort of coverage do you like?" Rafa normally just goes naked for Carlos but maybe this guy would find that weird – he grabs a towel, pulls his clothes off and lies on the table. “You’re a dick and bum guy, that’s OK, I can work around that.” _Any more of this crap and he’ll be tanking the next round._

Roger gets to work but somehow seems able to keep the conversation flowing. “I thought your tactics were good out there – the way you kept him off balance on the backhand side was clever. If you hadn’t been slightly off physically you would have won easily.”

“Thank you.” He’d better make some effort to be friendly in return for that. “Do you play?”

“I play Interclub – that’s like a team competition we have in Switzerland. A lot of guys just do it for the booze and the parties but there are some of us that take it seriously.”

“Did you ever play on the pro tour?” Fuck, that was stupid, he’s just let himself in for an hour of _well I had loads more talent than any of you guys but I didn’t have the money/connections/luck…….._

“No, like an idiot I gave up tennis to play football when I was twelve and then when I got back into it it was too late. But I don’t think I would have made it anyway, I wouldn’t have had the discipline. I’d have been one of those real whiny guys making excuses all the time.”

Rafa has certainly met a few of those. He finds himself warming slightly to the guy despite the fact he can’t stop talking, and he’s also beginning to realise that his shoulders feel loose and comfortable. He’s moving onto the back now – where it always hurts.

“You OK? You’ve tensed a bit.”

“It can be painful – I know it’s necessary so don’t worry.”

“Let me know when it hurts – I might be able to make an adjustment.”

But the pain never really starts – it’s a bit uncomfortable but no worse.

“I’m going to work on your hamstring now. Is there any pain there…and there....”

“Yes, and there.”

“I think I know what the issue is.” And after that the flow of chatter ceases – Rafa squints around to see Roger looking completely focused on his work.

“That hurting?”

“No, I just noticed you’d stopped talking.”

“I wanted to concentrate but I’m happy to start up again. Some people like to chat, some prefer the quiet. I’ll admit I’m not that good at the last bit.”

“I don’t mind” Surprisingly, he really doesn’t, especially as Roger doesn’t seem to need much in the way of replying. “Your English is very good.”

“Yeah, I’m bilingual really. I spoke it at home with my Mum and then I studied physio in England – I never tried at school so I had no exams and none of the Swiss Unis would accept me – the Swiss system’s really harsh – if you mess up at school you don’t get a second chance. I found a place in England that would take me and worked like a dog. I only just passed the pure science but they could see how good I was at the practical and they gave me a lot of help – one of my early placements a patient refused to see his normal guy after being with me – said he hadn’t moved so well in years. See, what I think….” But Rafa has long since ceased to listen, it’s just becoming a soothing backdrop as his muscles relax into ease…….

“I think that’s it now. Move around and see how you feel.”

He’s a little reluctant to get off the table – the whole experience has been surprisingly enjoyable - and he realises as soon as he moves that all the usual stiffness has gone.

“Thank you, I feel good. You’ve done a great job.”

“Glad you’re happy with it. You’re second on tomorrow aren’t you?”

“Yes, is that OK for you?”

“It is, Michael isn’t on till much later so we have plenty of time. See you then.”

***************************************

“How was he?” Tio had been waiting outside – they’d decided that Roger would feel more comfortable without him looking over his shoulder.

“Strange, he never stopped talking, it would be awful to have him all the time. But he is good – my hamstring feels a lot better.”

“You won’t have to put up with him for long - if he’s competent that’s all you need.”

“Shall we go over the game plan when we get back?”

“Yep.”

The tactics for Cilic are fairly well established but with his hamstring better it makes life easier. And then onto the quarters hopefully…..

************************************

That round had been much easier - a really good win. Rafa heads to physio in a much more relaxed state of mind.

“No problems with the hamstring that time, I could see you were moving better.”

“It felt good out there, I was very happy with it.”

“Glad to hear it. Who do you want in the next round?”

“”Milos, I think. Stan would have the crowd behind him.”

“True. He’s a good guy Stan, I worked with him at a Davis Cup tie. He’s like…he should have been a chef, he’s mad about his food and he has about twenty types of coffee – he’ll ask you ten questions before he offers you one, like whether you want hot milk or cold and all that crap, I can’t taste the difference at all. But he recommended this restaurant that does the best Thai food – I nearly burnt my mouth off but it was worth it – you feel a bit tight in that calf.”

“Sorry?”

“This calf feels a bit tight – can you just stretch a little while I…. that should feel better.”

“It…God, I didn’t even know it was tight but now…I can feel the difference.”

“See, people don’t know their own bodies. I was working with this one player – I won’t name him - and he wanted me to do this move on his back that he said he wouldn’t even be able to _walk_ if I didn’t do it let alone play and I kept saying no, that’s all wrong – you’ll be able to play like you’re an inch taller if you do it my way….anyway, he wouldn’t listen, he got a back injury, then he had to come crawling back to me. He’s moved up fifty places in the rankings since – he can stretch an inch further on both wings now. Is it weird working with your uncle?”

“What…..did you ask me something?”

“Is it weird working with your uncle?”

“Erm…it’s what I’m used to – I’ve never known any different.”

“I used to play tennis with my dad but we kept having these massive rows and one time he just walked off court and left me to find my own way home – we had to stop before we killed each other. Stand up and move around a bit – how do you feel?”

“Really…smooth. You’re amazing.”

“I know.” He raises an eyebrow and gives another ear-splitting smile, there’s something endearing about him, as well as the fact that he’s actually damn good at his job. “Your match is the last one tomorrow isn’t it?”

“Yes.”

“Try and finish it quickly. I’ve got a match myself tomorrow.”

He thinks that’s more important than a professional semi-final? _Oh get over yourself Rafael Nadal – it’s just as important to him isn’t it?_

“I’ll do my best.”

*************************************

The next day he heads to physio with a comfortable awareness that Roger will have no grounds for complaint.

“Well, you certainly got that done quick.”

“I did.” He hadn’t expected such an easy victory but it was satisfying.

“And the Final tomorrow – I’ll make sure you’re in perfect shape.”

“I’ll need to be. Playing Andy is always tough, his fitness is incredible.”

“He won’t be around forever – his fitness regime isn’t right for his body long-term, the stresses will show at some point.” He launches into a long and incomprehensible description of muscles and ligaments and biomechanics but he doesn’t require any response and it passes the time.

“All done.”

“Thank you.” He remembers his manners. “And good luck for your match as well. What time is it?”

“In an hour.”

“Not much prep time, I’m sorry.”

“Not your fault. And don’t worry – I never have any joy against this guy. It pisses me off because he’s a real tosser. After the match he likes to tell me about all the great shots he played.”

“Shame.” The idea that comes into his head is a bit mad but why not? He owes the guy something. “Look, why don’t I come and watch? I might be able to give you some tips for next time.”

“I couldn’t ask you to do that.”

“I’ll enjoy it. I was only going to head back and watch a film.”

“If you’re sure – I’m not going to say no. I need all the help I can get against Danny”

“How do we get there?”

“I can drive us and then take you back to the hotel afterwards. Did you have a car booked?”

“Yes, I’ll just need to let my driver know I won’t need him. Then we’ll go.”

***************************************

The tennis club he ends up in reminds him of playing junior tournaments – it’s a while since he’s been anywhere like this. It feels oddly nostalgic and yet uplifting – even if he does get harassed about his lack of Grand Slams it’s a reminder that he’s come a long way. How many juniors ever get to say they’ve left behind places like this?

“Where do you want to sit? You might get a few stares if you sit somewhere too public.”

“I don’t mind. There aren’t many people around – I’m not going to get mobbed.”

“I’d suggest here then. Can I go and get ready?”

“Of course”. He spends the waiting time on his phone – there’s always people after him – it doesn’t seem long before Roger and his opponent (what was the name - Danny?) emerge and the game starts.

It’s surprisingly absorbing for an amateur match – at first sight he’s surprised that Roger should be having no luck against Danny because they seem well-matched. But after a while some of the issues are becoming clear – there are patterns that Danny is using which exploit weaknesses in Roger’s footwork – perhaps he discovered them more by luck than design but has stuck with them as they proved effective. He can suggest some exercises for Roger to work on to improve his footwork and some tactical changes to upset Danny’s rhythm . Pleased that he’ll be able to offer some useful advice he settles down to enjoy watching Roger play – his strokes are lovely, he’s imaginative, there’s a chance he could have been a really good pro player. Maybe the game missed something. And it’s interesting to see his body in movement – this must help him in his job of course – he knows how tennis players need to move, where the strains are. It makes sense.

*****************************************

“Did you spot anything that might help? Or am I just hopeless?” As Roger had predicted the match had ended in his defeat.

“Definitely not hopeless. Is there somewhere we can talk?”

“The club bar – we can find somewhere quiet to sit. Then I’ll drive you back.”

The place is nearly empty which is probably just as well, Rafa is used to curious glances now but it can still be annoying. Roger fetches a couple of Cokes from the bar and looks at Rafa expectantly

“Anything you can suggest?”

“I think so.” He explains why Danny’s patterns are proving effective, suggests ways to counter them, exercises to improve the footwork, the sort of stuff he would normally be getting from Tio. “Don’t forget – you’ll also be giving him a lot of confusion if he finds his normal patterns aren’t working. You should be able to get in a couple of victories before he can even start to form a counter strategy – after that you’ll be starting afresh I suppose.”

“Even a couple of wins sounds fantastic, I’ll try everything you say. I really appreciate this – I can’t believe it’s something Top 10 players do very often.”

“Maybe we should – it’s giving something back isn’t it? And most of us will end up coaching or commentating one day – learning how to analyse the game is a good skill. Roger – do you regret not trying out the pro tour? You look like you really enjoy playing.”

“I’ve thought about it sometimes, but no I don’t think so. I love my job, I can’t believe I’d be happier slogging round the Futures. If you win tomorrow I’ll know I helped you get there – it gives me a real buzz when that happens.”

It’s unexpectedly touching His hair is slightly falling over his eyes – Rafa has a sudden urge to touch it – push it back. Roger isn’t exactly what you would call handsome but his face is so full of life and energy, it’s attractive. Perhaps it’s fortunate that he chooses that moment to make a move.

“Do you mind if I take you back now? I have some things I need to do – and you should be focussing on tomorrow.”

“I’m ready.”

It’s only a short drive back to the hotel and Rafa opts for an early night – he feels more relaxed than he usually would before a Final and the extra hour’s sleep will help. Despite his non stop chatter there’s something about being in Roger’s company that is really enjoyable – maybe it’s his enthusiasm for what he does. It’s a shame he’s never likely to see him again after tomorrow.

*************************************

“You did it. Congratulations – you looked really happy out there.”

“I was.” Basel isn’t the biggest tournament but it’s a good victory over Andy Murray. “Thank you for everything you did – and you’re seriously good, my body’s held up so well.”

“Glad I could help. I think if you were to….” He stops suddenly.

“Yes?”

“Nothing. Just carry on with whatever your normal physio likes to do. Take care, man”. Rafa finds himself enveloped in a hug – there’s a scent coming off Roger that sets his nerves tingling – just lingering excitement from the match of course. And he’s gone.


	2. Chapter 2

**Manacor December 2014**

“I’m so sorry, Rafael, but I just don’t have any choice. I can’t go to Australia with Juanita still recovering – that might put her back to where she was.”

“I understand.” It’s a disappointment but he’d known it was possible since Juanita had been diagnosed with post natal depression. At least this time they can plan ahead properly. “Do you know anyone who could step in?”

“I can ask around. Didn’t you like that guy you saw in Basel? You told me he’d been very good.”

Toni joins the conversation. “I’m not sure that would work.”

“What’s the issue?”

“It was one thing using him for a week, but we’re talking about a month's trip. How would he fit in with the team when he doesn’t share our language, we’ve got Benito with us for a while as well.”

It’s a good point but Rafa remembers how his body had felt during that week in Basel. “I can see that might be a problem but this is a Grand Slam – it’s a big risk if we hire someone else and they’re not right - that’s going to kill my chances. I think we should try Roger and if he’s not free then we’ll look at the other options.”

Toni doesn’t look entirely convinced but says no more.

**************************************************

“Hello, is that Roger?”

“It is. How can I help?”

“It’s Rafael. How are your games with Danny these days?” He’d thought it might impress Roger if he remembered.

“Three wins and counting – it’s driving him crazy. I’ve worked out this new tactic as well, where I….” five minutes later and Rafa is wondering whether he really can survive this for a month in Australia. Then he remembers the way Roger’s hands smooth out all those little aches you barely knew you had,...of course it’ll be worth it.

“Anyway, sorry, what did you want to say?”

“How would you feel about a trip to Australia?” He outlines the details.

“I’d love it in principle but I can’t say yes right away. I’ll have to try and find cover for my clients and I hate to ask but….I’ll need to know if what you’re offering would cover my costs on that.”

“Of course – if you contact my business manager he can discuss everything with you.” That’s what Benito is there for.

“Then let’s hope we can do it – I’d love to get you your first Grand Slam Rafa.”

“So would I.” He ends the call, not entirely sure whether he’s made the right decision. Roger could quite possibly drive him insane or worse…. but there is something about his voice that just makes him feel…energised. Only one way to find out if this is going to work or not.

**Melbourne: Australia January 2015**

“How was your flight yesterday? Are you tired?” Not that Roger looks it. But it’s good to have him here, Maria had arrived yesterday as well so their team is complete.

“Exhausted. But I made myself stay awake till night time – best way to cope with jet lag. I’ve got enough energy to work on you anyway.”

“Good. How’s the flat?” Carlos had always stayed in the house with them but after some inward debate Rafa had decided to give Roger his own space. He didn’t want to make everyone speak English all the time but Roger would have felt excluded being surrounded by Catalan. It had seemed the best solution.

“I love it. It was very generous of you.”

“Got any plans?”

“Oh God yes, I have to find the best places for food and I need to sort out somewhere to play tennis, some local club. I’ve no idea what the system is here, I might find myself playing someone who serves underarm, that happened to me in London once, I kept hearing about this other student who was _nearly as good as a pro,_ then when I finally got a game with him he played like he was sitting on the toilet. And I want to take some trips out, see some of the wildlife, things like that.” He carries on, seemingly not very exhausted after all, but it’s all fine, Rafa finds himself relaxing into that other worldly state he’d found in Basel. Roger’s words form a soothing hum around his mind as his hands release all the knots and tensions from his muscles.

“What’s the purpose behind what you’re doing?” Toni’s words deliver a cold shock into the comfortable haze, Rafa hadn’t even realised he’d come in. It’s natural that he should take an interest though. 

“I try and find all the small strains and tightnesses. The body can be aware of something wrong even if you don’t consciously feel pain, then when you’re playing it will try to protect itself, you’ll find your strokes and movement aren’t quite right without knowing why. By making the body as loose and comfortable as possible you can play more freely.”

“Is that all? No special exercises you want to recommend?”

“There are a lot I could suggest if you wanted that. But I‘m not Rafa’s full-time physio, I’m a stand-in.”

“That’s true.” There’s a slight hint of warning in his tone. “I’ll leave you to it then.” He’s gone as silently as he came leaving the room tense.

“Is that his usual style?”

“Not far off.” It had been unusually abrupt even for Tio but no point making Roger feel awkward. “Don’t let it get to you.”

“I won’t, I’m used to all sorts of clients, there was one guy that said I wasn’t doing him any good – turned out he wasn’t doing _any_ of the exercises I gave him – he had this shoulder problem and…..” Before long Rafa is back in his haze…lovely…….

*************************************

The next session is pure relaxation, Toni is nowhere to be seen, which is rather a relief. Perhaps he needs to try and get Roger more integrated into the team though, he should ask him to join them this evening, they can handle English for one night. What would he enjoy?

“You know the game Parcheesi? Ever heard of it?”

“No I haven’t. What is it? Rafa launches into an explanation but doesn’t seem to be generating any corresponding enthusiasm in Roger.

“Board games aren’t my thing, I’m afraid. It’s really kind of you but I’m going to stick to what I was planning to do - go swimming.”

“In the dark?”

“I love the feeling of it, Rafa, it’s such a buzz, although once I pushed it too far in Italy, I almost got caught out – luckily it was a popular beach so I knew I’d be OK even if I did get into trouble – but imagine how embarrassing it would be to be helped by a lifeguard. You know – would they pretend you hadn’t been stupid -like no, no, everybody gets caught out when they’re in four feet of water or would they really tell you off like _ **I’m risking my life coming to save you, you total idiot.”**_

“I can see why you don’t like board games. All that _thinking_ and _concentrating_ , and having to be quiet, your opponents would probably kill you.”

“Yeah, when I was at college I tried to study with a friend who was really good at science so he could help me but I just drove him completely mad. When I study I have to get up every quarter of an hour and….like…sing or make a coffee or something otherwise my brain gets all…hyper. So we had to stop cos we weren’t going to be friends anymore.”

It’s probably a good thing Roger won’t be playing with them this evening, Toni would never survive the experience. The evening feels a bit flatter now somehow…..

***********************************

Normally it’s easy to get completely absorbed in a game of Parcheesi but tonight feels different, his brain isn’t focusing properly at all. And that doesn’t go unnoticed.

“Rafael, come on. That was a double – where’s your move?”

“Sorry, I was thinking of something else.” He makes his second move.

“Really?” Toni surveys the board before making the killer strike – sending Rafa back to the nest with a look of contempt. “Have you ever played this game before? Because you’re playing like a five year old.”

Maybe he’s playing like Roger would have done _Is that a really stupid move? Oh Lord it is isn’t it, I’m never any good at this sort of thing. I remember when I was at school...._ It would have been fun with him even if he had been hopeless.

“I might have a chance of winning tonight.” Maria is smiling but she’s looking a bit puzzled. “You don’t normally give me a chance.”

He’d really better get back on track. “Sorry, let’s finish this game off and start another one, I promise I’ll get my brain going.”

“No time, we need to go over the fine points for tomorrow. I know it's only a friendly tournament but it's still important for preparation. Kokkinakis is inconsistent but he’s good on his day – and he’ll have the crowd behind him.”

“I understand.” Time to focus on the tennis – Maria knows it too. “I’m going to leave you to it.” She kisses him on the cheek. “Don’t be too late.”

“I won’t.” Going over the game plan, discussing every variation Kokkinakis might try, seems to get his mind back on track. He’s unaware of how much time has passed when Toni brings things to a halt.

“I think if we do any more it will be counterproductive. Get to bed – _to sleep_.”

“We know the score.” He never feels like sex before a match anyway.

“Fitness is going to be important here – the weather is going to be a killer for a lot of people.”

“That’s going to help me – Roger has me in good shape.”

“Hmm.”

“You don’t agree?” But it’s a stupid question – Tio can see how well he’s moving on court.

“Oh, I do. He’s clearly very good _at his job_.”

“What do you mean by that?”

“Just what I said. Go to bed.” He reaches for the newspaper, always his signal that he isn’t going to say any more. It’s frustrating but not unusual – and it really doesn’t matter at all.

**Brighton Beach : Melbourne: Two days before the start of AO 2015**

It had been a very good idea to suggest an afternoon at the beach – the sun is hot, the sky beautiful, and Maria and Roger seem to be having fun kicking water at each other and laughing. He’s glad they’re getting on well, while he does his best to make sure Maria is happy whenever she stays with him he’s always aware that tennis is a sport that rewards selfishness – if he knows she has some company when he has to be on his own then all the better for both of them. It takes them a long time to tire of the game but eventually they emerge from the water.

“I thought you wanted to read a book.” Maria is staring pointedly at the book sitting next to him, unopened.

“I did, but then it seemed nicer to watch you. Where did Roger go?”

“To get ice creams. I told him all your favourites.” She sits down beside him. “Rafael, is Roger single – I tried to get it out of him but he was a bit vague.”

“Are you interested for yourself?”

“Don’t be silly. Is he?”

“I don’t think he’s mentioned a girlfriend but we haven’t talked about it.”

“I think he might suit my friend Isabella. I want her to get back in the game, she’s had long enough to get over that creep Antonio now.”

“Why would she be interested in Roger?”

Maria looks at him as if he’s being particularly stupid. “Rafael, you wouldn’t have noticed but he’s an attractive man.”

He has noticed that but it feels awkward to admit to it. “He never stops talking.”

“Actually he does. I was telling him all about my problems with a client and he listens very well. That’s just what Isabella needs.”

“How would you put them together?”

“I don’t know, I’d have to think about it.”

“Well, be quiet now he’s just coming.”

“OK, for you two I have one strawberry and one chocolate – so boring – I asked the guy to give me something exotic and I got Macadamia and Spiced Lime – apparently it’s got something called Australian Native Finger Limes in it – it was that or Bush Honey and Nougat – but Bush Honey sounded like it might have insects in it or something.” He takes a bite and swirls it around his mouth.

“Good?”

“Yes.” He takes another bite. “But not as good as strawberry or chocolate.”

“You should have stuck to being boring, like us.”

“No, I like trying new foods, that was what was good about living in London – I used to go round the markets trying weird stuff.”

“Would you ever go back to London?” Maria looks puzzlingly keen to know until Rafa remembers that Isabella lives there.

“Couldn’t afford it. When I lived there I was sharing a house with four other guys and my room was the size of a cupboard. It’s OK when you’re 19 but not now – the bathroom was disgusting.”

“That sounds like my house in Barcelona when I was at the University.” Rafa hadn’t realised quite how good her English was until he hears her chatting now – she really is talented – he’s very lucky. He’s not sure of the wisdom of pairing up Roger with Isabella though – he’s only met her once but she’d seemed withdrawn and tense – not someone he would have wished on Roger at all. He would actually be pleased if Roger stayed single – it would make it much easier if Rafa ever wanted him to travel again.

*******************************************

**Saturday: Mid tournament**

“This place was a great find Roger.” He’d loved the restaurant when he first walked in, the view from their table is amazing and the food had lived up to it.

“Told you, I know seafood is your thing.”

“It is.”

“How did you persuade him to go out in the middle of a tournament, he never listens to what I tell him.” Maria taps his knee gently to show she doesn’t mean it.

“Relaxation is important in a long tournament, spending too much time worrying about your opponents just stops you playing your natural game.”

“And that’s why you would have hated the pro Tour, Roger, preparation is essential, you can’t just go out and throw your racket around.”

“It’s what I did all the time as a kid, my parents used to get really embarrassed. And I was swearing my head off too.”

Maria looks interested at that. “Tell me some German swear words – then I can be rude without my boss knowing.”

“I’ll give you some Swiss ones – he’ll never recognize those.”

Rafa doesn’t even try to take them in – learning English had been bad enough - but it’s nice to watch Rafa and Maria laughing over them. Perhaps Roger is right and relaxing will help his game – after the meal they could maybe go for a walk and take in some of the city….

“Guys, I have to go.” Roger seems to have received some important information on his phone. That plan’s gone now obviously.

“Your mother suddenly turned up?”

“No chance, she doesn’t really like flying, she’d never make it all the way here. Rafa, what time do you want me tomorrow?”

“Two o clock will do fine. Come on, let’s go back ourselves.” The urge to wander the city has faded.

It’s pleasant to be walking back to the hotel, Rafa can’t actually remember when he’s ever felt like this during a tournament. It’s a combination of being well prepared for the matches and also knowing that it won’t kill him if he loses. How can that be working? Whatever, if it does it does.

“Do you think Roger’s about to have sex?”

“What – no, how could he have found a girlfriend that quickly?”

“Don’t be naïve, plenty of people would be happy to have fun for a night. You’re saying you never did?”

“You really want to know?”

“I’m not jealous.”

The truth is, he hadn’t had a huge amount of sex before meeting Maria, he’d enjoyed it when the opportunity arose but it had never seemed a priority to go out looking for it. Somehow he feels uncomfortable admitting to this.

“I was just waiting to meet the right girl – you.”

“Liar”. She tucks her arm into his comfortably. “I’m enjoying this tournament, aren’t you?”

“Of course, I’m playing well.”

“It’s not just that. You seem happy.”

Happy – yes, that’s it.

********************************************

** Before the Semi-Final **

"Roger, you're being very quiet."

"I thought you'd want to concentrate before the match. And I need to do my job as well as I can."

_Of course that makes sense except what Rafa really, really needs is to be in the zone - that lovely space...._

"I think you should do your usual thing. You'll probably get things wrong if you're trying not to talk."

"OK then, I'll admit it feels a bit weird."

"What did you do yesterday?"

"I made a trip out to Phillip Island. It's amazing - you get to see all these penguins come out of the sea and there's other wildlife too.....koalas and......"

_Perfect._

**After the Semi-Final**

“Rafa, you played amazing, it’ll happen next time, I know it.”

“I think so too.” He lets Roger do his job, feeling a measure of calmness return.

“And the semis – further than you’ve ever got before.”

“Yes.” The sense of crushing disappointment is there but other feelings are stronger. For the first time in a Grand Slam he’s played as well as he knows he can, he hasn’t let fears or doubts interfere with his game. Yes, today Novak had managed to pull out some unplayable shots on the big points but in no way had Rafa let himself down, they’d both been pushed to the edge.

Years later he realises that today was the day he became a Grand Slam champion even though he hadn’t yet lifted a trophy.

*************************************

This is probably going to be the toughest conversation he’s ever had with Tio and he has the worst one still to come, with Carlos. But there’s no use putting it off any longer.

“Tio, I’m going to ask Roger to stay on as my physio.”

“Why?”

“Because my body feels better with him. Look at what I’ve just done here.”

“How is Carlos going to feel about that?”

“I imagine he’ll be very upset, but I have to put my career first. He has a great reputation Tio – he won’t find it difficult to get work with other players.”

“I have my doubts about this, Rafael.”

“Why? You can’t really think Roger isn’t up to the job.”

“No, I don’t think that, it’s obvious you’re in good shape.”

“It’s more than that Tio, I know it’s awkward when he doesn’t speak the language but our team feels right with him in it. When I’m with you it feels like winning is all that matters, when I’m with Roger it feels like winning doesn’t matter much at all. Somehow I’m combining the two so that I can play well.”

“I can see that. This has been a great tournament for you.”

“Then what is it?”

It’s not unusual for Tio to withdraw into himself to think about things but it seems for a while that he will never emerge. Eventually he speaks “I don’t even know myself, Rafael. Ask him if he wants to stay, I can’t tell you not to do this when I can’t even give you a good reason. Maybe I just don’t like change.”

“I understand and I know it would be easier if he was Spanish, I wish he was too. But when I see what’s happening to my results, to the way I feel on court, it’s worth it.”

“Then do it, Rafael.” He gives him a surprisingly affectionate look. “I’m proud that you’re growing into a man who can make his own decisions, anyway.”

“I’ll never not want your advice though.” The whole conversation has perhaps gone better than he expected.

***************************

“Roger, how do you feel about staying on? I mean, travelling with me.”

“What about Carlos?”

“Leave me to deal with that. I’d like you to be in charge.” There’s not much doubt Roger will agree – being full-time physio to a Top 10 pro is something anyone would want.

“I don’t know – I’d have to think about it.” Roger doesn’t look like he quite appreciates the opportunity.

“You don’t like the idea?”

“I’m sorry - I should have said thank you, it’s a great offer. But I need to think about my other clients.”

“Have you got many long-term clients?”

“One or two. Rafa, I do like the idea of touring with you – honestly - but I need to be sure it’s the right thing for me. What I like about my job now – I see different people with different problems to solve, if that makes sense. I don’t want to say “Yes” to you and then be complaining all the time.”

“I understand.” It’s surprisingly hurtful to hear but that’s completely wrong isn’t it? Roger is a professional after all and should be treated like one. “Maybe we could sort something out, I might not need you at every tournament. What about travelling – would that be a problem?”

“No, I don’t think so – I like seeing different places and my family would be OK, it wouldn’t be any worse for them than when I was in London.” That probably answers Maria’s question – and hopefully Isabella won’t be interested in a long-distance relationship. Not that it matters.

“So will you think about it, seriously?”

“Yeah.” Roger, thank God, starts to look a little more enthusiastic. “I’d like to do it, if we can sort out the details.”

“Good. I’ll put Benito on to you and he can put you on a proper contract.” He feels a sudden urge to leave and does – the job is done with the right result and yet there are strange tears forming – must be from relief – he knows Roger can help him win that much-desired Grand Slam. He can’t be feeling any disappointment that Roger hadn’t leapt up instantly with joy – that would be completely irrational wouldn’t it? Was he not expecting Roger to have priorities of his own?


	3. Chapter 3

**Indian Wells March 2015**

**Before the match:**

It's been a good tournament so far - into the quarters and he's facing what should be a beatable opponent in John Isner. Even more so as....

"He's definitely feeling his knee a bit - I watched him yesterday and I could see it in his movements."

"You sure?"

"Yes."

"Might be good news"

"Maybe you could attack him more on the serve, make him nervous."

"I don't know, if that goes wrong he could get some easy games."

"Up to you. Your tactics must be better than mine, you're in the Top Ten."

"You know about bodies though." _It's worth thinking about._

**The Match**

Well, he hadn't really wanted the set to go like that, and John certainly wouldn't have expected to win a first set so easily. Come on, pull yourself together, two more to go, back to his more normal tactics on the return...

That's better - he's getting more into the service games now - just got to push him a little more, keep him moving, and there's the second set. 

Third set and now there's no doubt that John isn't moving at all well - he's a tough pro and keeps going but there's no real doubt about the winner now. Close it out.

After **the Match**

"What on earth possessed you in the first set? We never discussed those tactics."

"Roger said he thought John was injured - which he clearly was - and we thought being more attacking might work."

"Well, it obviously didn't! Didn't you idiots think he would have adjusted his serve to compensate? He's the best server in the game!"

"It was worth trying. I won in the end anyway."

"You've made it harder for yourself, you shouldn't have been playing three sets against an injured opponent. Why are you listening to what some amateur player thinks?"

"It's not Roger's fault, he just made a suggestion, no-one forced me to try it."

"Well, if he has any more _good ideas_ I _suggest_ you talk about them with me first."

Great. Tio hadn't really wanted Roger on the team in the first place, today is just going to have made that worse.

***********************************************

"Oh Lord Rafa, my tactics didn't really work at all did they. I'm sorry."

"Doesn't matter, you were right about his knee, that helped me win the match in the end."

"Perhaps I'll just stick to what I know." 

"You can give me ideas. Just don't be offended if I don't take them."

"I won't be. Anyway, lie down - you'll be stiff tomorrow if you don't let me do my job."

_Oh that feels good on his back_

_"_ I should have know better than to talk about tactics anyway. I remember once I was playing this guy who had no volley at all and I never brought him into the net - my dad was watching and he said afterwards he had to walk out or he would have screamed at me......I felt like a real idiot......I'm a lot better now but I guess this is the pro game.....are you falling asleep?"

_He might - this just feels so relaxing.....Tio doesn't understand this at all...maybe he should suggest Roger give him a massage..._

**French Open 2015: Preceding Week**

This...this could be the one. A great clay season - titles in Monte Carlo and Madrid, a Final in Rome; there's a difference he can feel in himself and his opponents know it too. A new respect, even fear......there is one person won't treat him any differently though......

"Did you have a good time back home?" 

"Fantastic, although my mum kept feeding me huge amounts of Swiss food, I mean - that was nice but I'm going to have to go to the gym as well as play some tennis. I'm not keen on gyms though, those guys are never really serious about improving the way their bodies function, they're just getting off on how big their muscles are."

Those muscles had once been a bit of a problem for Rafa in the gym - memories he pushes aside with practised ease - luckily he now has access to exclusive spaces where he can train in near total privacy. 

Their routine is well established now – Maria knows exactly what time to walk in on them. She can only stay for a few days and seems to want to make the most of it.

“Have you finished with him?”

“I have, he’s all yours.”

“He looks in perfect condition” She gives Rafa an up and down glance before smiling at Roger. “Do you want to come and eat with us tonight?” 

“No I don’t”’ His huge grin takes any offence out of the words.

“You…have something better lined up?”

“Maybe.”

“Like…. a date?”

“Couldn’t possibly say.”

“Come on, I need more than that. Is she French?”

He shakes his head. “Swiss.”

“How did you meet?”

“We haven’t met before - a friend of mine set us up. Reckons we’ll hit it off.”

“She’s working here?”

“Postgrad student. And stop being so nosy.”

“Ok, but I’ll want details tomorrow.”

“You won’t get them, I’m very shy.”

Shy is the last thing Roger is but listening to the whole conversation has made Rafa disinclined to sit around the hotel tonight. “Could we eat out as well Maria? Richard’s invested a bit in a new restaurant – I’d like to be able to say we’ve tried it.”

“I’d love to.”

**************************************

It’s a beautiful evening and luckily still light enough for Rafa’s identity-hiding sunglasses to not look out of place. A walk and the promise of a delicious meal was just what he needed to lift his spirits – that odd sinking feeling he’d had at the thought of Roger’s date was clearly just a sign that he’s spent too many evenings relying on room service. He and Maria must make more of an effort in future.

“Isn’t that Roger?”

Rafa takes a closer look at the man walking down the street before he heads into one of the bars.

“It is.” A desire for mischief strikes him, another welcome proof that he’s really not at all bothered by Roger’s activities this evening. “Let’s wait till he’s with his date and then text him – it’ll be fun.”

“You’re horrible.” She bats him on the arm. “But I suppose he’s getting used to that. We can see inside the bar if we stand over there.”

She’s right – it turns out to be a good position. “I can see him – he’s chatting to some guy – she mustn’t be here yet.”

“Where?”

“There.”

Maria says nothing for a moment.

“Rafael, you’re being a bit dense.”

“Why?”

“He’s not waiting for his date – that guy _is_ his date.”

“But…… ? His voice feels like it’s trapped in a vice. “Did he actually say it was a date? Maybe he just meant he was meeting a friend.”

“He was very clear about what it was. You don’t care surely – I don’t want to know you if you do.”

“Of course not. But why wouldn’t he say – I’ve been working with him, I thought we were friends.”

“Let’s go somewhere quiet – you’re shouting in the street.”

“I’ll calm down.” He takes some deep breaths. “I’m just upset he didn’t feel he could tell me.”

“Think of it from his point of view, how many idiots do you think there are on tour? Would any of them want to be touched by a gay man? And imagine what they’d say to his clients. I can understand why he keeps things private, he probably would have told you some day.”

“You’re right.” It does nothing to soothe the intense jealousy he feels towards the unknown man who will soon be feeling Roger’s beautiful, magical hands all over his body. But that’s not something he can share with Maria is it?

“Come on, let’s go and find the restaurant.” Although his appetite has completely gone.

*************************************************************

It’s hard to keep so still but he doesn’t want to wake Maria. He’d managed to act normally for the rest of the evening (he thinks) but now, right now, maybe someone is kissing Roger, touching him, above all feeling those fingers (which can untangle all the knots and aches in your body) around his cock – maybe his mouth works just as well…..the images fill his mind and he can almost feel Roger's breath.... he can’t go through the night like this - the need for relief is overwhelming – he’s going to have to take the risk of waking her……make some excuse…….but thank God it isn't necessary - she doesn't stir as he finds the door.....

****************************************

She thinks about asking where he’s going but somehow it seems easier to keep pretending sleep. What had happened this evening? His reaction had been so strong and then later he’d been tense, withdrawn, struggling to hide his upset, why would this bother him so much? She can’t really believe he cares whether someone is gay and anyway, Roger is a professional, she’s had plenty of massages from male therapists, they just see your body like a sculptor sees his clay. Then why? Is he really so upset that Roger didn’t tell him? They seem to get on well but she hadn’t thought they were that close - it doesn’t surprise her that Roger hadn’t yet shared his secret. So….what? There isn’t any answer…..except the one she can’t face......

******************************************

“Rafael? Where did you go?”

“I couldn’t sleep and I didn’t want to disturb you tossing and turning. I’m sorry for waking you up.”

“That’s OK. Did it make you feel better?”

“Yes. I expect I’ll go to sleep now.” He wraps himself around her, feeling some comfort from her presence. He doesn’t think he will sleep, the edginess has gone and he can relax a little but it’s been replaced by the dull ache of a hidden pain, not by contentment. He has to see Roger tomorrow, and act normally. How will he manage that?

*****************************************************

“Hello, how was your restaurant?”

“It was excellent – they had a good choice of seafood.” He waits till he’s stretched out and his head turned away before he asks the obvious question. “How was your date?” _“Oh I was just winding you up about that – I was meeting a friend who_ _happened to be in Paris – we had a couple of drinks and then I went home……”_

“It went very well.” Rafa can almost hear him smiling. “I meant what I said though– I’m not giving you any details.”

“None?” Can Roger hear the crack in his voice?

“OK – we had a very nice breakfast.”

“Maybe…maybe you shouldn’t tell me any more.”

“No.” He gets to work starting on Rafa’s shoulders and working down – it feels as good as it ever has – _imagine if he turned you over and stroked your stomach – then he’d let his fingers wander ever closer until he…._ shit, shit… he tries to press himself down on the table…..

“What’s the matter?” He realises that Roger has stopped and sat down.

“Nothing, what do you mean?”

“You’re tense right through your body. It doesn’t feel like you at all.”

“You’re imagining things – nothing’s happened.”

“Bollocks. That was you and Maria last night wasn’t it? I thought I saw you but I wasn’t sure.”

Not much point denying it. “We weren’t spying on you, we just saw you and thought it would be fun to.…to….. we were just going to send you a text wishing you luck or something. I’m really sorry.”

“That’s OK, I wouldn’t have minded that. It’s what you’re doing now that bothers me. Do you have a problem with what you saw?”

“No, no, of course I don’t.”

“Your body says differently. Are you disgusted, angry, what?”

“Of course not.”

“The body never lies.”

He’s getting a little angry now – why is Roger pushing this?

“You might have told me. Why are you keeping it secret?”

“It’s not a secret, I’m out to all my family and friends. But if you want to know why I keep it quiet around work – I think you only need to look at yourself to realise why I do that!”

So that’s it – Rafa isn’t even a friend, _just a client, a body, not worthy of being trusted_ – the need to hit back is overwhelming……

**“Well, I think I had a right to know – it’s my body you touch.”**

“Don’t worry – I certainly won’t be touching it again.” He gets up and goes to find his jacket and bag. “You know what – I nearly told you and Maria yesterday – I felt like I was lying to you and I didn’t like doing that to friends. Maybe it’s good I’ve found out who you really are.”

“Roger….I’m sorry….I didn’t mean….”

“Stop it. I’m gone.” The suddenly empty room feels still and lifeless, its energy gone. _Well, that couldn't have gone much worse._

He stays on the table for some time, seeking composure, waiting for the moment when he can feel anything besides pain, which doesn’t come for a long time. Isn’t this for the best really? He can’t carry on working with Roger, that much is clear. If Roger thinks, wrongly, that that’s because he’s a homophobic twat then it’s just the price he’ll have to pay. For now, all he can do is try and look normal for Maria and everybody else and, of course, find another physio. And shit, what excuse is he going to come up with for that?

*********************************************************

“Rafael, can you not sleep again?”

“No, it must be the pressure of the tournament. I’ll go and sit downstairs so I don’t disturb you”

“Oh no you won’t. And don’t lie to me. This is about Roger isn’t it. What happened today when you saw him?”

“Nothing.”

“Rafael….”

“OK, he saw us outside the bar so he knew we knew…he thought I had a problem with it.”

“Why would he think that? Surely he knows you better than that.”

“I don’t know – he got angry and he went.”

“That seems very unfair of him.”

“I suppose I was a bit annoyed he didn’t trust us – maybe he picked that up.”

“Perhaps you need to find another physio – you can’t really be dealing with this just before a Grand Slam.”

“I know – I suppose it’s just upset me.”

“Don’t let it. Come on – settle down with me and try and relax.”

“OK”.

How many lies has he told – how many will he need to go on telling?

***********************************************************

In the morning he feels exactly as bad as expected after a second night of disturbed sleep.

“Will you be OK for training?”

“I’ll have to be.” Missing training without an injury would lead to far too many questions..

“Maybe Richard or Gael can recommend a good physio.”

“I’ll ask them.” Except he won’t because at some point in the night it has occurred to him that to let Roger leave in this way is unbearable. Even if he can’t persuade him to stay he has to know that Rafa is not who he thinks he is. Surely Roger won’t have left already? He must know.....


	4. Chapter 4

**_Roger, I really didn't mean anything - I just got annoyed because you didn't trust me. Can we just forget about it all?_ **

**_Roger, I didn't mean what I said, I was just annoyed about something else and took it out on you._ **

**_Roger, I didn't mean it like I said - it's just my English isn't very good and what I really meant to say was...._ **

**_Roger, you're overreacting - I never meant anything bad - let's just get back to normal..._**

Which of these excuses is going to do the job? None of them seem particularly convincing and there's not much time left to come up with something better. He knocks on the hotel door with a pounding heart – he hears movement – thank God…….

“Rafa – I don’t think we have anything to say to each other.”

“Please – can I come in? I have to explain.”

“So you can say some shitty thing again?”

“Roger, please, just shut up for once and let me talk.”

There’s almost a half grin at that and Roger moves away from the door.

“Sit down.”

“Thank you”. He launches straight in. “Roger, I’m sorry – I know what it sounded like – and you’re right – I didn’t want you touching me after I found out you were gay but it wasn’t…it wasn’t because I didn’t like….or I felt weird about it….it was because….because…I liked it _too_ much.” There – he’s said it – at least Roger knows he’s not a horrible prejudiced person.

“Oh.”

“Yes.”

“Are you gay?” 

“I don’t know. Does it matter?”

“To you it should. Do you want to talk about it?”

Rafa sits back in the chair, letting go some of the tension now the worst is over. “I’ve had feelings I think but….maybe I’ve been pushing them down – I mean it's been fine with girls but sometimes I have to look away from guys in the locker room and then I dream…….. I suppose I didn’t want to face it, the feelings were never that strong so why explore – you know what it’s like on tour.”

“Oh yes.”

“So – that’s why I came to say - I’m sorry I hurt you, it’s not really an excuse, but at least now you know the real reason.”

“Don’t worry, I’m glad you did.” He smiles rather ruefully. “I could have been a bit more understanding anyway – it must have come as a bit of a shock to you.”

“So what now? Will you still work with me?”

Roger takes a while to think about that – it’s strange to see him so quiet. “Are you sure that’s what you want? It won’t make you uncomfortable?”

“I’ll deal with it. You’re an amazing physio and I don’t want to give that up."

"Is that what this is all about? You just want me to stay so you can win?"

"No, no, it isn't." _Just when they seemed to be getting somewhere. "_ We're friends, I hated knowing what you must think of me, even if you don't stay I'll be glad I told you the truth."

“OK then - we can try anyway. Rafa, you don’t have to listen to me but your feelings – suppressing things doesn’t work – perhaps you should talk to someone properly.”

“I suppose so.” He looks over at Roger – aware suddenly of how much he’d like to take one of his long beautiful fingers and slip it inside his mouth – his voice seems to be operating out of his control…. ** _Isupposethereisonewaytofindout_ ** Did he say that out loud? Oh no…….

“Rafa, you can’t mean that...you're not thinking straight. Don't get me wrong, you’re a great guy and if it was just a hook-up then I’d love to. But you're a friend and my boss - what if you find it’s not what you want and freak out – I just don't want to deal with messy stuff like that. And Maria – I think of her as a friend as well – how could I even look at her?"

“I know – I’d be a cheating bastard and you shouldn’t get mixed up with that. But I feel like I'm going to hurt someone whatever I do!”

"Maybe. But don’t be too hard on yourself, I knew I was gay when I was twelve years old, I never got involved with girls at all. That was a lot easier."

“Sounds it.” He gets up to go. “See you after I’ve trained? “

“Of course. I’m glad you know anyway, you don’t know how many times I’ve had to stop myself saying something because it would have given it away.”

“You mean you’re going to talk _even more_ now? Maybe I’ll change my mind.”

“You’ll cope with it.”

And that’s it. He ought to be thinking of all the potential problems as he’s being driven to training but it makes no headway against the overwhelming relief. Roger doesn’t hate him – they are friends again. Let that relief run through him – then focus on the tournament.

**********************************************

“So did you speak to anyone about a new physio?”

“There’s no need Maria, Roger and I talked it through. We’re fine now.”

“Did he apologise?”

“I told you, we talked it through.”

"And you can work with him?"

"Yes. I don't want to find someone else and it isn't necessary. We're fine."

It’s clear she isn’t going to get any more, Rafael does look happier which perhaps she ought to be pleased about, but that’s impossible when she clearly hasn’t been told anything like the full truth about the whole affair. Much as she likes Roger it would have been far better if he’d just gone.

*******************************************

A few days later

“That round was painless anyway.”

“Yes.” He hadn’t expected such an easy win over Schwartzmann. “My shoulder’s a bit sore though.”

“I’ll see if I can work out why.” He moves it gently .” Here..or now?”

“Ouch.”

“I’ll see if I can do anything but if it goes on you might need more than my magic hands.”

“Just get me through the tournament.”

“I’ll do my best.”

For once Roger is quiet, absorbed in what he’s doing. Their relationship seems to have suffered no strain, if anything they are more relaxed with each other than before. Since Maria has gone back to her work (which was somewhat of a relief although he misses her as well) the world seems to have reduced to the tournament and what he needs to do, he doesn’t worry about whether Roger’s hands will produce any sort of reaction - what does it matter anyway? Right now they only have one purpose.

“I can give you some exercises to stop this getting worse for the moment. If you’re OK with that.”

“Of course it’s OK – you’re my physio now Roger – you’re not standing in for anyone.”

“Then what I think you should do is….”

********************************************************

“What are you doing that for?”

“Roger suggested I do this after practising serves.”

“What’s it supposed to achieve?”

“I have no idea.” Of course there’d been an explanation but he hadn’t listened beyond the first thousand words.

“So you just take everything he says as the absolute truth?”

“Yes I do Tio, why would I hire a physio I didn’t trust?”

“And is it working?”

“I won’t know for a while. But if I don’t get more shoulder pain then it will have done, won’t it?” At some point he’s going to need to talk to Tio about tensions within the team. But not while the tournament’s ongoing.

*************************************

She watches the semi-final expecting to find it unbearably tense but in fact it isn't. It's not that every game is going Rafael's way but that simply you know by watching him that he isn't going to let himself be beaten. Her knowledge of the actual game is limited - she couldn't say what his tactics are or why he's using them - but she can see this is a different player to the one she first met two years before.

It takes a while for him to be free to answer her call but they'd already planned what would happen next anyway.

"Do you still want to not see me before the match?"

"Yes, if that's OK with you. I'm going to go over the tactics with Tio then I want to be on my own. I think it will help me keep calm and focus properly."

"I understand." She's actually fine with it so long as he won't be with......

"But I want to know you're in the stadium. Make sure you're there in time."

"I will. I love you."

"And you. See you on the other side."

She ends the call, feeling more comfortable than she has done for the last week. Of course everything is fine, it's all in her head.

******************************************************

"I'm not sure I can take in any more, Tio. I'll end up getting confused"

"No, probably we're not doing anything useful now. Go and relax."

He finds his way back to the hotel room and leans against the window, looking out at the city. Out of all these people how many care if he or Novak wins tomorrow - probably only a very small number. And yet imagine facing the press afterwards and their pretended sympathies - _you must be pleased Rafa, it was a Final, you'll have plenty of other chances_ and he'll agree with them _yes, I know, I 'll carry on working hard and wait for the next time_... But how do you know there'll ever be a next time?

He turns away from the window, _this is silly - you wanted to relax, be calm, focussed....._ he finds his laptop and looks at the film selections _Guardians of the Galaxy -_ that looks like it should take his mind off things - here we go - actually it's not very good - _what if he gets beaten very easily and then Novak will make his speech with that annoying fake smile of his.... **Rafa you've had a wonderful tournament and you gave me a really hard time even though the scoreline of 6-0, 6-0, 6-0 doesn't look like it.....in fact it makes you look like an absolute idiot.**_

He reaches for his phone.

"Hi, are you doing anything?"

"No, I've just eaten, I thought I should finally get round to trying snails."

"Were they good?"

"They were OK but I don't think I'd have them again. Sorry, what were you wanting to ask me?"

"I just wondered if you wanted to come round. Take my mind off things."

"I thought you wanted to be alone to focus."

"I did, but I don't think it's working. Maybe I could teach you Parcheesi."

"Honestly, Snap's about my level on board games. You can try if you want but it'll be bad."

""We'll be fine. Come over."

He ends the call and thinks about tomorrow. Wouldn't it be amazing if he actually won and could make his own speech **_Novak, you're a fantastic player and I can't believe I beat someone as wonderful as you as easily as I did......_**

***************************************************************

He’s reached a point after the celebrations where he doesn’t even know what he feels anymore. Tiredness seems to be overwhelming everything. Relief, joy, they’re all playing in a space about a metre above his head – next day he’ll reach up and grasp them.

“Rafa, I need to go now. Got an early train tomorrow.”

“Why didn’t you fly?”

“I like trains. There’s something about getting to the station and seeing all the different places – knowing you could change your mind and just go anywhere, right at that moment. Maybe I’ll go to Moscow or somewhere instead of home. What’s so funny?”

“Nothing. Have a good trip…home or wherever.”

“Thanks.” He almost gets away before Toni appears behind him.

“Are you going?”

“Yes. I was just saying goodbye.”

“Thank you for everything you’ve done – some of this win is down to you.”

“Rafa did most of the work.” He grins at Rafa and then leans over to hug him and whisper in his ear. “You did it all really, mate.” This time he succeeds in getting away.

“Thank you for telling Roger that, Tio.”

“It’s the truth. Where’s Maria?”

“Not sure.” He looks around, reflecting guiltily that she’d rather slipped his mind. It had been wonderful that she’d come back for the Final. “She’s over there, chatting to one of the board members.”

“Maybe you should go and rescue her. She looks bored.”

“Probably is. The guy talked to me for ages about pricing structures in the stadium.”

Toni looks at him with lifted eyebrow.

“OK, I’m on it.”

*****************************************************

"Excuse me but can I take my girlfriend away? I'd like her to be in some photographs"

"Of course"

"You looked like you needed rescuing"

"I did. Women are used to men going on about boring things but he was something special."

"What do I go on about that's boring?"

"You don't. That's why I like you."

"I probably do though. I expect when I'm telling you something and thinking how interested you look you're really thinking about your next sales meeting or....whether the new adverts are cutting through, or about our next holiday, _should we go to the Caribbean or....climbing mountains...or...or...._. _visiting old ruins_

 _"_ Rafael..."

"I'm sorry, did that come out wrong? I love how well you listen, I didn't mean any of that."

"No, no you didn't upset me...it was just..." she waves her hands in frustration. "Forget it, is there any chance of something to eat?"

"I'll go and chase that up." He kisses her on the forehead. "I'll make sure to get something you like."

_Of course he will because that's who he always is, thoughtful, considerate, kind. But he's never been someone who goes off on random trails of thought, whose eyes light up with fun as his words spill out, that isn't who Rafael is. Or maybe, just maybe, that isn't how he's ever been with **her.**_


	5. Chapter 5

**Rome 2015**

_"Is this what you want, Rafael?"_

_"Yes, Pepe, more of that."_

_"OK". He reaches down and takes Rafa's cock in one hand while the other works its way round to the back, finding the entrance and sliding in a finger....._

He wakes up at that and reaches his hand down almost blindly - Christ, that didn't take long. It's nearly time for the alarm anyway - he makes his way to the shower, grateful for the fierceness of the water down his back. _Pepe Martin Gasol -_ he'd been on the Tour a couple of years ago - Rafa had hung out with him a little bit but they hadn't even been close friends really - how on earth is he turning up in his dreams? 

It has to stop - it feels like he's being unfaithful and he doesn't want that. Why did all this have to happen - he's been happy with Maria, the ease of her company, her kindness, the comfort of curling up with her at night. Naturally in some ways it's easier being on his own - especially when he wakes up after after one of his dreams, and of course he can focus completely on tennis. In fact, having a part-time girlfriend has proved very convenient.

_Is that how you feel when you're in love? Is that it?_

**Queens Club 2015**

"Great game, Rafa. You're getting really comfortable on grass." Sam Creek is a nice guy, one of those solid pros who can always hit the heights suddenly although fortunately not today.

"Thanks, I hope so."

"Looking good for Wimbledon."

He still feels that's a year or so away but it's coming. "Will you be there? Did you get into the main draw?"

"Yeah I did, thank God. Qualies are a bitch, players fight it to the death in front of two people, terrible."

"Sounds it." Sam is busy getting ready for the shower and turns out he's not a towel guy. Oh Lord. Try not to look.

"Good luck for the next round"

"What?" 

"Good luck for the next round"

"Oh...thanks" . Sam gives him a vaguely puzzled look and then wanders off to the shower, still towel free.

_This can't carry on, sure he can push things away during a tournament, it's not going to affect his game. But if he ever wants to get married, have a family, he can't expect a wife to put up with a husband who's looking at other men, who's waking in the night covered in sweat, something needs to happen......but not now._

**Wimbledon 2015**

His judgement about Wimbledon is probably right - he's been doing well but he hasn't come up against the top grass players yet. He still heads for physio in a good frame of mind though - hopefully he has a couple more wins in him.

"Did you have a good time yesterday? Your conference?" He'd had a substitute physio yesterday - the woman had been perfectly competent but it just hadn't been the same.

"Oh yes, it was funny, my old tutor was there - he said he'd never got over trying to teach me neurobiology, said it had given him a lot of grey hairs! But I learnt a lot, there are things I'll want to try out when I go back to general practice."

"Tell me about them."

"You're really interested?"

_No, he just wants to hear Roger talk. Somehow, even as his desires are getting harder to ignore, being with Roger still feels relaxed and easy. Other than on court it's the only place he can just exist and not be pretending to anyone. Roger's never asked about whether he's talked to Maria or how he's feeling or what his dreams are doing to him and that feels really fucking blissful at the moment._

"Tell me anyway"

"OK, it just made me think - obviously sports it's what I'm good at, I'm always going to be in demand especially after working with you, but maybe one day I'd like to do other things. There's this whole field of neurophysiotherapy where you help people who've had strokes and things like that...there's really useful things I could be doing and.....

********************************************************

"I'm sorry about the result Rafa, but you played really well."

"I did". He's not too disappointed, quarters are what he'd have taken beforehand especially against Andy Murray. "I feel like I've got a win here in me."

"I do too". Roger is doing a wonderful job of unknotting the pain in his shoulder which is becoming more frequent, some day he's going have to think about that seriously, probably. But the rest of his body feels fine as Roger works through his usual routine. 

"Where are you going on holiday again?"

"Key Biscayne." Maria's choice and he worries it may be a bit too public but she would be bored at the remote islands he would have preferred. "What about you, have you decided yet?"

"Yes, I'm going to Italy. I thought about somewhere more exotic but I just feel like relaxing and enjoying the food."

"I love it in Italy. Spanish works well there."

"I should learn a bit of the language but you always get by somehow."

_It would have been fun to watch Roger struggle before stepping in to help. Oh well._

"Rafa, if you ever want to talk about anything - you know I'm here, right?"

He doesn't but it's nice of Roger to make the offer. "I'm fine at the moment. But thanks and I will."

"OK" He leans over and unexpectedly takes Rafa's hand in his own. "Just remember it."

**Key Biscayne, Florida July 2015**

It’s been a good holiday so far – relaxing and people have left them alone apart from a few glances. 

“Ice cream?” Maria points out the guy on the beach wheeling a cart around.

“Yes please.”

“We can have our favourites – Roger’s not here to moan at us.”

“No.” He squashes down the painful wish that Roger was here now laughing at them. How is his holiday going - no doubt Rafa will get a very full account of every city, meal and hook up. Don’t think about the last part. “Call him over.”

“One strawberry and one chocolate please”

“Coming right up”. The seller looks at them more closely and switches to Spanish. “Would you mind if I asked you for an autograph? I wouldn’t have disturbed you but as we’re talking already….I’m a huge fan.”

“No, that’s fine, of course. Do you have a pen and paper?”

“Here.”

He looks a little more closely at him as he takes the offered pen – the man’s barely suppressed quivers of excitement are making his arm muscles stand out slightly – imagine if you felt that arm around you as he kissed you. Fuck……

“You’re so clumsy.” Maria looks at him fondly as he picks up the pen. “How do you ever manage to win so many matches?”

“Pure luck.” He signs the paper and then tries to pull himself together as they walk away, concentrating on his ice cream. “This is good.”

“Yes.” She licks her own, almost purring with pleasure and smiling at him, wrenching painfully at his gut. Fortunately she’s distracted by her phone buzzing.

“Rafael, I’ve had a text from Carmina, she says we can meet up on Tuesday.”

“Do it, you haven’t seen her for a year. I knew there was a reason you were so keen to come here”

“Honestly, no, but it's a nice bonus. Are you sure you don’t mind me going on my own?”

“Of course not, I’d only be in the way.”

“You wouldn’t normally but I know she’ll want to tell me all about the break-up – you’d be bored.”

“Stop worrying about it, I can look after myself for a while.”

**Tuesday**

“Have a good time.”

“I’ll try.” She kisses him and he smiles but it feels artificial, forced. Surely he must look guilty, how can she not see what he’s going to do?

And then she’s gone; looking forward innocently to an evening of gossip and catch-up with her old university friend. While the man she loves and trusts goes off to have sex with a stranger. Again he tells himself that he has no choice – that this is the best way to stop her being hurt, it’s a kindness to her really. He’ll have the experience and then he’ll discover it isn’t any good – he isn’t gay – and he can once again have sex with her without the desires that wash over him as he touches her. He’ll stop wishing there were muscles where there is softness, a heavier weight on top of him, a deeper voice whispering in his ear. His body will no longer torment him, they’ll get married and maybe one day have children – it will be a normal, happy life like the one he grew up in. And no one needs to get hurt.

It hadn’t taken long to find someone willing to meet up – advertising yourself as a straight guy looking to explore your sexuality clearly has a market. The guy he’d finally chosen had seemed kind and identified himself as a sports hater – all he has to do is turn up at his flat…..

He drives into Miami, the rented car smooth and fast under his hands, the satnav guiding him expertly to the right street. A flat on the fifth floor where he will meet some stranger and cheat on his girlfriend. Roger had refused to do it – but this guy will be fine because he doesn’t even know Rafa has a girlfriend, doesn’t have a face in front of him, a face that used to look at him with trust. All he has to do is walk up…….

**Later**

It had been a great night out and seeing Rafael still up is a pleasant surprise – she goes over to kiss him and then stops. When has his face ever looked like that?

“Maria, sit down.”

“Can’t it wait till morning?” That desperate, instinctive wish to postpone whatever bad news is about to descend….

“No, it can’t.”

“Go on.”

“Maria, I think…I think that I’m gay.”

It shoudn’t be a complete surprise but the idea is still impossible. “You can’t be – we've always had great sex.” _Obviously he hasn’t been feeling the same way_.

“We have – you mustn’t think – you haven’t done anything wrong. But I can’t go on.”

“Have you always…had these feelings?” Anger surges up out of nowhere. “Have you been using me all this time? Just pretending? Am I some kind of….?” She can’t say that awful, humiliating word.

“No…no… the feelings I’ve had for you have been real. But I have these other feelings as well.”

“How do you know this isn’t just your imagination? Oh God…you haven’t…..” The thoughts flooding her mind are unbearable.

There’s a long pause. “No, I haven’t cheated. I…I came close but I walked away – I couldn’t go through with it. I feel like I’m going to hurt you more by being honest – but I couldn’t do it anyway.”

“Then how do you know?”

“I don’t. I just know I can’t go on, I can’t keep on lying to you, and sooner or later I will cheat on you.”

“Is this all about….she feels like spitting at the name…..Roger?”

“No. Maybe he made me realise what I am , or what I might be – but I think it’s always been there.”

“So you’re not about to go off and be _boyfriends_. Maybe he doesn't find you attractive anyway.”

“Maria, this isn’t Roger’s fault at all – please don’t hate him. He’s done nothing wrong.”

No, he probably hasn’t. But it’s easier to hate him than it is to hate Rafael…or herself. Or to wonder why she wasn’t good enough.

“So what now? Am I supposed to just leave this place…find a hotel? Maybe you can invite someone over once I’m gone.” There’s some satisfaction in the pain on his face.

“If that’s what you’d prefer. Or you could use that spare room at the back for the night – it’s a long way away from me.” Thank God they’d rented such a big house

As much as she’d like to leave she doesn’t really want to be signing in at a hotel at this time of night - there’s even a small chance she might be recognised which would be unbearable – she’d always tried to keep a low profile but you can never be sure. She could go back to Carmina’s but then she would have to tell her. Explain her total failure as a woman.

“I’ll stay here.”

He looks relieved – probably hadn’t liked the idea of driving her somewhere at this time of night. “I’ll…I’ll see you in the morning then.”

She must go before she starts to scream or cry or beg, go with a little bit of dignity still intact. “Yes, we can have a _nice little chat_ over breakfast.”

The room is far enough away that she probably could cry or scream if she wanted to but instead there is one huge painful weight inside of her that defies any easy release. What a fool she has been – thinking she was loved, desired, that someone might actually want to spend his life with her. But the person she trusted turned out to have a whole other mind of his own, maybe when he was fucking her he was wanting to be fucked instead, that’s what he was imagining when she thought he was consumed by desire for her. _Roger_ – that might have been who he was thinking of – she lets the anger serve as fuel. And Rafael – his smiles, his readiness to laugh, his odd little insecurities, the way he tries to be a good person, how much will she miss him? Maybe he’ll say _we can still be friends_ – that pathetic little substitute for the life she thought she was going to have. What sort of life can she look forward to now?

**Next Morning**

She’d been tempted to just walk away but in that long night of no sleep dignity had emerged as the only thing left to cling to. And that didn’t seem to be compatible with slinking away like a rejected pet.

“I’m going now.”

“Can I – do you want a lift - or I could call you a taxi?”

“No – I’ve already done that. It’ll be here in five minutes.”

“Maria – I don’t want to – it feels insulting to you to say _can we still be friends_ but one day, that is what I’d really like if you ever feel you can forgive me enough.”

What does dignity require as an answer to that? “I don’t think that can ever happen.”

“No- I understand.”

Only four minutes now in which dignity still has to fight and emerge victorious. To not be submerged by the longings of the heart. _Rafael just let me stay – go off and do your experimenting – maybe at the end of that you’ll come running back to me and say it was all a big mistake – and thank me for loving you enough to stick around and be there for you – you’ll say **I know now I’ll never want anyone else but you** …._

She hears the sound of the taxi drawing up outside.

“Goodbye then.”

“Goodbve”


	6. Chapter 6

**Montreal 2015**

“Tio, I need to tell you…myself and Maria – we’ve split up.”

“You idiot. She was perfect for your career.”

That’s extremely irritating. “She was her own person, Tio. I didn’t love her because it was convenient.”

“Presumably you didn’t love her at all.”

There isn’t a good answer to that but the anger remains. He hadn’t decided whether or not to confide in Tio but there’s no doubt that he’ll hold his secrets now.

“So what happened between you?”

“We just…we realised we’d grown apart.”

“That’s it?”

“Yes, we weren’t arguing but we weren’t really talking either.”

Toni looks entirely unconvinced but then seems to soften.

“I’m sorry, this must be hard for you – I should have said that at the start.”

“Yes, you should. But thank you for doing it now.”

“What about the press? Are they on to it yet?”

“I don’t think so. I’ve warned Benito but he says no-one’s contacted him. I want to give her as long as possible before they find out.”

“Do you think it will affect you for the tournament? You know you can always talk to me.”

“No, I think I’ll be OK.” That is, in fact, true, he wants to be playing, challenging himself, hearing the crowd, testing his game. Oddly, the tormenting desires seem to have eased off slightly, he's sleeping better, he feels less edgy. He knows who he is now, it's a matter of time before he seeks the final proof but he's looking forward to it, however it happens. 

****************************************************************

“Did you have a good holiday?”

“Oh…yes, it was fine.” He doesn’t even know how to tell Roger the news. “How about you?”

“Fantastic. I went to Venice and Rome and Naples. Venice was my favourite though, I must have walked every street and they were all beautiful”. By the time he’s finished there’s no need for Rafa to ever visit those cities except to pick up a trophy. If he did have any hook-ups he doesn’t share them.

“Are you on your own? Is Maria coming?”

If he’d told Maria he couldn’t carry on lying then there’s little point lying to Roger. At least he didn’t have to bring up the subject. “Actually we’ve split up.”

“Oh.” The tension seems to emerge from the ground and then wrap itself around them like a net. “I’m sorry.”

“I don’t need to tell you to keep that to yourself. I know the press will find out eventually but I want to give her her privacy for as long as possible.”

“Of course.” He says no more but continues his work. The silence is too unlike Roger to be especially soothing.

“That’s it.”

“Thank you.” He looks at Roger while he’s washing his hands, letting his gaze linger on his arms, his stomach, his lips. Desire rises like a catch in his throat but it’s surrounded by a suffocating layer of guilt. _Isn't it too early? Wouldn't it ruin their friendship?_ How would he go about it anyway? Ask to see his Grindr profile?

“Do you want to eat together tonight?” The words seem to slip out without being from his tongue. _So much for it being too early - what's the matter with him?_

“I’m sorry, I’m meeting up with a couple of the Swiss players. But another night, yeah, definitely.”

Relief mingles with disappointment. “Ok then.”

**Three Days Later**

“Rafa, I think we should talk.”

_Oh Lord._

“Do you ever do anything else?” He’d been enjoying his post-match massage and his words probably sound more irritated than light hearted.

“No, but you’re going to need to talk back to me. You’ve felt tense since you got here, it’s going to affect you in the later rounds and it makes me feel fucking awkward around you. What happened with Maria? Was it about me?”

“No.” Roger had maybe been the catalyst but no more than that. “I just couldn’t carry on.” Maybe it would be a relief to talk about it.

“You still think you might be gay? Or are you sure about it?”

“I’m pretty sure. I mean, I can’t be certain until…..but I know how I feel.”

Roger doesn’t speak for a long time – by his standards anyway.

“So…you haven’t actually…done anything?”

“No. I nearly did…I made an arrangement with this guy then I couldn't go through with it. But it was only guilt that stopped me – and I knew I’d crack eventually. That’s why I ended it with Maria.”

“I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be.” Time for real honesty. “I feel terrible for her but I’m…glad for myself. I feel free – I can find out what I like, what I am. Does that make me sound horrible?” _He doesn't want Roger to think that._

“No, but I’m surprised you haven’t been” he waves a hand as he searches for the right words “out there yet.”

“Been focussing on tennis. I’ll wait for the right moment.”

“Yeah, don’t rush it. First times should be good.”

“What about you?” Time Roger shared some confidences himself.

“School trip. I was rooming with this guy and we sneaked in a bottle – couple of swigs and we were making out. He avoided me when we got back to school – I don’t know if he turned out gay or straight.”

“Not very romantic.”

“No, but it didn’t matter. I knew I was gay before and that just settled it.”

“Lucky you. No-one got hurt.”

“Do you want me to restart your massage?”

“What? Oh…..yeah, OK.”

The atmosphere feels lighter – it had felt good to share, Of course Rafa hadn’t been honest about everything – _I want to kiss you, feel your hands on me when they’re not there to tease out a muscle strain, I want to touch you, watch you grow hard under my hands_ …..

No, he hadn’t told Roger everything.

******************************************

**After the Quarter-Final**

"Ouch, ouch"

"Rafa, I know you don't want to pull out of a tournament but you shouldn't keep on playing with this."

"It'll be OK - I'm sure you can get it right."

"I'm a physio, not a miracle worker! There's nothing I can do that will stop you taking damage. You should get a scan and we'll work from there after you've rested it."

"Just get me through the next match." He's so close to making the Final - his first on a hard court. And an opponent he knows he can beat.

*******************************************

The pain is instant as his racket connects on the serve - _oh fuck._ There's no way round this.

"I need a time-out."

The umpire looks at him with barely concealed impatience but makes the call. Roger doesn't look much more sympathetic when he arrives.

"Is there anything you can do to get me through?"

"Probably not but let me try."

There's some reduction in pain - maybe he can go on......

"If you play on you'll miss the US Open. Do you want that?"

Time to see sense. He goes to shake the umpire's hand and then Goffin's, who tries to suppress his joy at his first Master's Final. At least David's a nice guy, he'll be cheering him on tomorrow. But it's a small consolation and he really wants to be alone to process the disappointment.

"I'm going to take a shower Roger, then we'll discuss things with Tio after the presser."

"Sure".

***********************************************

"What happened out there? Where is he?" Toni's face looks even less welcoming than it normally does.

"In the shower."

"Then maybe you can give me an explanation first."

"Of course." He has a fairly clear idea of what the problem is and it doesn't look like it's making Toni any happier.

"If that's true then you should have noticed that building up, not given him useless exercises to do."

"I did....."

"Don't make excuses, I don't want to hear them."

"Fine. I'm gone."

**************************************

"Where did Roger go?"

"I don't know. Rafael, I know you like the guy but you shouldn't have placed so much trust in him. If he's right about what's wrong with your shoulder then it's something he should have spotted. You might not want to hear it but you should listen to me."

"He did spot it Tio, he told me I should pull out of the tournament."

"Then why didn't you?"

"I wanted to win. I'm sorry, I should have told you, you might have stopped me being stupid"

"I would certainly have tried. You might have done serious damage."

"I know. I'll go and do the presser then we can sort out the next moves, Roger should be back by then"

"That might not be so easy. I didn't know he'd warned you and I was .....rather harsh."

"Fuck, what did you say?"

*****************************************

Luckily Roger has only gone back to the hotel.

"Roger, Tio told me what happened - I'm sorry, it was completely my fault, I explained you'd warned me not to play."

"Why are _you_ apologising? Shouldn't _he_ be here?"

"I'm sure he'll apologise as soon as he can. He was just upset that's all, don't be too hard on him."

"He told me I didn't know my job, Rafa, do you know how insulting that is to me?"

"I'm sure he didn't mean..."

"Yes he did and it's not the first time. Don't pretend it is."

"No." Clearly this isn't going to be a matter of just shaking hands on it. 

"And I wasn't impressed with you not listening to me either. I know what I'm doing."

"That was me being a complete arsehole Roger, you're so good I thought you could solve everything."

"Well, I can't. Rafa, I like working with you, I want to see you win more things, but I can't work in a team where I'm not respected. You must see that."

"Of course. Roger, I'll talk to Tio, please...just don't decide anything before I've done that. Please."

************************************************

"Tio, you're going to have to apologise to Roger."

"I will do, Rafael, I know I was wrong."

"It might take more than that. What is the issue you have with him? He's great at his job, I'm playing well and this injury wasn't his fault, if I'd listened to him it wouldn't have happened."

Toni doesn't answer for a while but his face has lost its usual impassiveness. "It feels like you listen to him more than anyone Rafael. I know your game has been great since he came on board, I can see that but I'm your coach. Of course it can't be the same as when you were a junior, you're your own man now, but I still need to have an influence, or why am I here?"

"Tio, this seems like more of an issue with me than with Roger."

"Maybe it is. So be honest with me, do you still want me to do this?"

"Yes". He can't imagine Tio not being there. "I need your advice, your drive, everything. If it seems like I need you less now it's because you've done your job so well."

Tio almost smiles. "Thank you."

"And we need to operate as a team from now on. I'll discuss everything important with you and with Roger, today won't happen again, but you need to let him know you respect him."

"I'll do that. Then we'll discuss what happens next - the three of us."

"Perfect". 

*******************************************************

The meeting seems to have gone well - perhaps Toni and Roger seemed a little wary of each other but they'd managed a good discussion. He probably needs to make sure everything is OK though.

"Roger, did Tio apologise? I'm hoping you coming to the meeting means you're going to stay."

"He did. And he seemed genuine, so that was good."

"And you'll stay?"

"Yes, like I said I want to work with you. But Rafa, a team needs to be united and have trust in each other, I still feel Toni would prefer I wasn't here and someday that's going to be an issue."

"I think I was causing the problem Roger, I probably take Tio for granted a bit. You'll find things will go better now."

"I hope so." He's interrupted by the buzzing of his phone and smiles when he sees the message. "I've got to go."

"Anywhere nice?"

"Just back to the hotel, I want to relax a bit. Let me know what time the scan is tomorrow."

"Benito's just sorting that out now, I'll text you."

"No problem."

He's gone and Rafa is left to reflect, with a pang of stinging jealousy, that the relaxation probably involves something quite energetic.


	7. Chapter 7

**The Next Day**

"I think this should be recovered enough for Cincinatti provided you follow my instructions strictly. You won't be able to practise serves too much but your technique isn't going to disappear in two weeks. If you do get any pain you should pull out immediately or you have no chance of playing in New York"

"I understand." He has no intention of repeating the same mistake. "Thank you, Doctor"

It's nice to be able to give good news to Toni and Roger. "The scan was better than we thought - he thinks I'll be able to play in Cincinatti."

"Excellent, I'll tell Benito to get flights sorted. What were his recommendations?"

"It's all in here". He waves the file at them.

"Roger, why don't you go through those and then tell us what the plan is."

_That's a good sign._

"Will do Toni." He smiles at Rafa. "I'm glad we're going to Cincinatti, there's a few places I want to visit."

"Don't let me winning the tournament get in the way of your sightseeing."

"I won't."

*************************************

He studies the doctor's notes during the flight - it's all pretty much as expected and it won't be difficult to come up with a programme to get Rafa through the tournament. And it was good that Toni made it clear that was his responsibility - if his behaviour isn't exactly warm the professional respect has certainly gone up a level. Just as well because it had led him to question whether this job is even worth it, he enjoys the travel but..... missing his family and friends, not being able to use his own language, relying on Grindr for sex (not that he hasn't had some good experiences but having been in love anonymous sex is no longer as satisfying as it once was) and not getting the chance to try out that new technique for stimulating movement in people with nerve damage....

But then there's Rafa - his intelligence, his drive, his sense of humour, his determination to do the right thing and resist the siren call of total self-interest. And there's a big dose of professional pride in watching him climb to the top of the tree - plus all the benefits to his own career of being associated with that success. How can he just walk-out on him? Putting up with Toni is a small price to pay really.

After **the Quarter-Final**

"You're absolutely sure it's OK to play with it?" There hadn't really been pain during the match but definitely a niggle.

"Yes. Provided we make sure it's loose and you're careful in practise. It's not going to get any worse."

"Good. But tell me if that changes."

"Rafa, you don't have to tell me every five minutes you're going to listen to me, I've got the message now."

 _That's pretty unfair coming from Roger_. "How could I tell you anything every five minutes, I'd never get the chance."

"You can always tell me to shut up, plenty of my other clients have."

 _"_ It's OK, I think it gets me in the right frame of mind" Roger's voice has never lost its power to relieve the tensions of the day, to still the clamour of his own thoughts, _can I win this match, counter that serve, stick to my game plan?_ He doesn't even know why but it works.

**After the Semi-Final**

"You were right to warn me against coming into the net, Tio - I could see he was getting frustrated during the rallies."

"Thank you but you don't need to keep telling me how wonderful my advice is, I'm not that insecure."

"You're saying that just before the Final? That I shouldn't listen to you?"

"No, for the Final you do everything I say."

"No problem."

**After the Final.**

“Fantastic win, Rafa.” He's done the ceremony and is now snatching a few minutes before the presser. He catches a glimpse of Roger's tantalising scent as they hug.

“Yeah.” They’d said he would never win a big tournament on hard courts, well this isn’t a Grand Slam but a Masters is a good step along the way. “Do you have plans for tonight? You could come over and celebrate with us.”

“I can't, I'm afraid. I've got a meeting tomorrow and I need my head together for that. I’m getting in some take out – I’ve discovered this Japanese place – it’s amazing.”

“I’ve never tried Japanese food.”

“You should.” He looks Rafa straight in the eye in a way that makes him swallow hard. “You could come round and share if you weren't celebrating.”

An evening sharing a couple of drinks with Toni and Benito or the possibility of....? He’d sacrifice a Grand Slam title ( _OK, well, maybe not that, but a Masters possibly_ ) rather than say no to this.

“Actually we hadn't made firm plans. I could come over.”

"Great. I'll order enough for two."

**That Evening**

"I'm just having dinner with a friend."

"In Cincinatti ? Who do you know here?"

"Just someone."

"I suppose you are single now. Why am I interfering?"

"It would feel strange if you weren't Tio. I'm sorry I've blitzed our celebration though."

"Don't worry, there'll be plenty of other chances. Enjoy your evening." He pats Rafa fondly on the arm.

Should he confide in Tio? _Actually I' m scared out of my mind, what if I'm about to make a big fool of myself, probably Roger just wants to eat some nice food and relax, I don't even know what I want out of this anyway, do I risk ruining a friendship, maybe even damaging my career, will I find it was all a big mistake and I've lost two relationships that I care about all for nothing? And do you think a polo neck looks better than a collar?_

"I will."

**Later that Evening.**

“I wasn’t sure what you’d prefer so there’s loads.”

“I’ll try everything.” The more he eats, the longer he’ll be here.

“Ok, start with this one.”

It does actually taste delicious. Focus on that - don’t look too hard at Roger…. _is that the sort of shirt he wears all the time or the sort of thing he’d wear on a date? The collar on his own shirt is itching - of course the polo neck would have been better._

“Or maybe you like this one more?” Roger puts enough on his plate for two.

“No, I preferred the first. Although this is very good.”

“I love all this stuff. Hikaru, the guy who owns the place – he moved here from Japan, he was meant to get a job at some big Japanese company and work till he died of a heart attack but he managed to escape. Now he just cooks and runs his business – he’s really happy except he can’t find a girlfriend. He doesn't feel like he fits with American girls and the Japanese girls don’t want a guy who isn’t rich.”

“Roger, does everyone you meet tell you their entire life history?”

“They often do.” He leans back contentedly in his chair. “I like hearing what people have to say.”

And that’s it – that’s why he likes having Roger around quite apart from the fact he wants his body entangled with his own. He’s a reminder that life is full of interest beyond tennis, however much you let the playing and winning consume you there is always something beyond.

“More?”

“What?”

“Food.”

“Oh..yes, please.”

They don’t say much more but it feels comfortable. _Is that enough?_ They could just relax, do some Playstation, talk about the Final that Rafa has just won comfortably, the press conference where he’d been professionally polite to those journalists who said he’d never win here. Or does he take the risk? Can he handle the rejection?

That’s the last of the food. Decision time isn’t far off.

“Coffee? Hikaru sold me this stuff that's supposed to go well with what we've eaten."

“Perfect.”

He drinks without really tasting although somewhere he registers the fact that it is actually excellent. Roger is drinking with the same apparent enjoyment he gives to everything, his hands wrapped around the cup as if holding a precious vase. The sight of those hands suddenly makes everything clear – if there’s a risk of being open with Roger it’s as nothing compared to the risk of never knowing what it’s like to have those hands around his…..

“Roger, you know you said the first time ought to be good?”

“The first time….”

“I want it to be you.”

“Oh.” The silence stretches out but at least it’s not a rejection.

“I mean…if you don’t mind.” _Jesus…he sounds like he’s asking for a favour_. “You’re my friend – that has to be better than some stranger.” _Why doesn't he just tell the truth...I want you....._

“Rafa, like I said before, if it was just a hook up I’d love to but if you hate it – it might be hard to work together afterwards.”

“I know. But we can always just stop if it’s not working.” It’s all irrelevant anyway - he isn’t going to hate it – even the thought of what might happen is making him dizzy.

“I suppose so.” He laughs, gets up off the chair and comes over to where Rafa is sitting, taking his hand and pulling him up. “We can take it slow.”

Strange that kissing can feel so good and yet you know it’s not enough, not nearly enough.

“You want more?” Roger’s voice doesn’t sound like his, although maybe that’s because of the buzzing in Rafa’s head.

“Yes, yes…I do.”

He doesn’t even have time to wonder what he should do after that because Roger simply pulls him on to the bed and kisses him again, not just on the lips but, once he has his shirt off, many other places as well. How many times has Rafa wanted that weight on top of him, to stroke along solid muscle….to breathe in that smell….

There’s a pause, Rafa can feel Roger’s hands on his trouser belt, and see that his face is suddenly serious.

“You sure this is what you want? Because this is…..you’ll feel different after you’ve done this. About yourself.”

“Do it.” He stretches his arms behind him, willing Roger to release him and he does, he's grateful for the privacy of his own language as Roger spreads out his legs and begins to touch...and kiss… and..... _**Deu n'hi do**......._perhaps he ought to be nervous but really, how hard can it be?

*************************************

It isn’t hard at all.

It isn’t like sex as Rafa has previously understood it. There's no feeling of striving towards an endpoint, no goal to reach, instead it's just moving from moment to moment and he doesn’t want each one to end until it turns out the next one is even better. When finally he can’t hold back the release it’s almost with a sense of regret – and he has no idea how much time has passed. It takes him a while to come back down.

“Is that…is that how it always is with guys?”

“I wish! No, that was amazing.”

“I suppose I know for sure now.”

“I can’t tell you what’s in your head. But I’ve been with a couple of straight guys who just wanted to experiment. None of them reacted like you did.”

“Maybe it’s you.”

“I’d like to think so but I doubt I’m that good.” He leans up on his elbow and reaches out an arm to stroke gently across Rafa’s stomach. “But it might be we just like the same things when it comes to sex.”

“You didn’t mind not…?” The word feels too crude for what they’ve just done.

“No. I don’t bottom when I haven’t prepped and I wouldn’t top a first timer who isn’t prepared. The chances of that feeling good for you are basically zero.”

It’s a whole new world but why worry about it now? “Are you tired? Can we sleep?” It’s a bit of an untruth – really he just wants to be quiet and have a chance to think about things -he’ll stay awake as long as possible.

“God, yes.” He gets out of bed. “Quick shower, then I’m there.”

The shower is faster than quick, he wraps himself around Rafa and he’s gone. It’s an odd sensation being held by someone as strong as you, to let yourself believe that they can protect you from the world. Some of the guilt he's been living with since Miami has gone - he actually is gay - he will always feel the weight of Maria's pain but at least he now knows that pain was unavoidable. He lets that pass from his mind as he replays the moments he's just lived through - what he feels right now is everything he'd dreamt of feeling.

The Next Morning

"What time's your meeting?"

"10 o'clock. I need to eat - I'll call room service."

"I'll have a shower and then I'll join you."

So this is it, his first morning of a new, unpredictable life. No longer the peaceful and expected course of engagement, marriage and presenting his parents with grandchildren. What does he do now? Does he come out to them all? How would he do that? He doesn't doubt their love but still...it's bound to be a shock. And for him - does he start looking for a relationship - _can he even dare to think about the one he might like_ \- or are things far too uncertain for that - maybe he should explore what all this means before making any commitments....

"I knew the room service here would be good." Roger is looking remarkably comfortable with a steamingly hot coffee and a substantial plate of toast.

It seems odd to be talking to Roger just as usual after what they've shared but it's hardly a radical change for him is it? This is normal for him probably. 

"I'm surprised you haven't used it before now."

"It always seems a bit lazy but you're probably right."

Are they really discussing food instead of anything important? But what would he say? He settles for taking in some coffee.

"What's your meeting about?"

"There's a physio lives here with some interesting ideas about interval training - he wrote an article about it in one of our journals." 

"And then you're flying to New York?"

"Of course. Next Grand Slam for you incoming."

"Hope so." He does think he has a good chance.

They lapse into silence - it doesn't feel uncomfortable just....strange. Shouldn't they be _discussing things?_ Roger eventually reaches the end of his toast pile.

"I'm going to get ready and head off." 

"Roger." He must say something. "I'm glad it was you - a friend...not some stranger." _Nowhere near adequate but he musn't assume too much_

"Good. Any regrets?"

"None. And....will there be a next time? " His heart is beating way too fast.

"We're both single so why not? If you don't think it will interfere with our work relationship."

"It won't." _How the hell can he be sure of that?_ But he certainly isn't going to think about that at the moment. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Apparently "Deu ni'h do" means "Wow" in Catalan!


	8. Chapter 8

**New York September 2015**

"How was your meeting?"

"Very interesting. Not relevant to you though, from what he explained you'd gain in stamina but lose some explosive speed. Good if you're a long-distance runner, not so much for a tennis player!"

"Doesn't sound it." Roger's hands are doing a very good job on his back although it's hard not to remember just how good a job they did elsewhere. And on that subject......

"Do you want to meet up in a couple of days?" _Straightforward is the best option_

"By meet up you mean...?"

"Yes."

"Sure. Wednesday night?"

"Fine." 

"I think there's a tightness in your calf. Stretch a bit for me."

 _Is everything from now on going to sound like an invitation? "_ Is it going to be a problem?"

"No, I'll just keep an eye on it."

**Wednesday**

He arrives at Roger's door without any really clear idea of what happens. Does he walk in and take his clothes off? Make some polite small talk first? Why is he worrying? It's not as if Roger doesn't know every inch of his body already.

"Hi."

"Hi."

"Do you want a drink?"

"Coffee, please."

He drinks without tasting and looks over at Roger who appears as everyday as if they're about to discuss the ins and outs of a foot injury. Suddenly his nerves seem ridiculous, this is Roger, his friend, his employee, who he laughs with and gives order to and argues with. Anything can be said.

"Roger, I don't how to do this. This....whatever, this hook up. Tell me"

"We do whatever we like. No rules" 

"I liked it last time."

"Then we do exactly the same."

It's not the same - then he had been overwhelmed by the sensation in his body, now he's overcome with the urge to touch, to explore, to watch how Roger reacts to his kisses, his licks, his fingers. He wants the sounds, the shivers, the muttered exclamations in German and then he wants their bodies to intertwine and explode together....it's incredible and also a whole lot messier than he imagined.

"Oh Lord."

"That's how it is with guys, Rafa, we spend a fortune on towels."

_Maria had been fussy about towels, she'd had a particular brand she liked. She'd been right too - he'll probably keep buying them_

"You OK?"

"Yeah. Just thinking about things."

"Still no regrets?"

"No." He suddenly wants to be more truthful than that. "No, but...a bit of sadness, is that normal?"

"Of course, it's a big change. Be weird if you weren't"

"Yes." It's hard to feel sad at the moment, again there's that incredible feeling of being held by someone strong..... _maybe that's something you get when you're gay, you don't always have to be the protector....._ "Can we fuck?"

"What...right now? I don't have a lot left, I'm afraid" 

"I meant some time." 

"Sure. Have you tried it before?"

"No."

"Which way round do you want to try?"

 _Of course, now there are options._ "Which is best?"

Roger laughs at that. "Depends who you ask, but I'd suggest you try topping first. I don't bareback so don't ask."

 _He has to start thinking about all that again now. "_ Of course not."

"Good."

**Friday**

"Stop there for a moment."

"Sorry, sorry, I'm getting it wrong."

"No, you really aren't , it always takes a minute to adjust."

"You sure?"

"Rafa, this isn't exactly my first time at this. Stop worrying."

"I want it.... _he really does want this very much indeed......_ to be good for you." _And I actually hate feeling like a 16 year old virgin._

"It will be. Just move and I'll tell you if I need something different."

And of course it's completely fine, even though Roger does end up shouting instructions in German which isn't really much help but by the end it doesn't matter at all. Sex with women had often been good but it had never felt like this. The movement, the tightness, the sight of Roger's body, the sound of his voice, the explosions in his mind are somehow just as powerful as the eventual explosion from his cock. 

"You liked it?"

"Did I sound like I didn't?"

"You sounded like a great top, Rafa, you're going to be popular when you get out there."

 _Oh._ He immediately diverts his thoughts to something else. "Should I throw this away?" He holds up the towel.

"Yeah - silicone lube never washes out. I told you - we go through a lot of towels."

"I never knew there was so much to learn, Roger."

"I haven't even started on bottoming yet."

_Perhaps he can leave that for a while. Does Roger have any idea how strange this all is?_

"Have you ever slept with a woman?"

"No. I suppose it would be interesting to know what it felt like but I wouldn't use someone like that."

"You're a good guy"

"Don't know about that but I try and treat people OK"

 _If he leans against Roger maybe he'll get that hug again....Oh yes....._

** Shanghai October 2015 **

**" Can you tell us if you feel well prepared for this tournament Rafael?"**

_Yes, I was pleased with my performances in New York and I think I have a good chance here._

**I'm interested, Rafael, your physical fitness and results seem to have improved since you employed a new physio. Can you tell us if Roger Federer has made a difference to how you prepare and how important is the right** physical **preparation?**

_Roger is a great professional, he'd worked with the Swiss tennis players before me so he has a lot of knowledge about how to prepare for the game. And of course that's vital for avoiding injury and playing well._

At last the presser is over - except for a word with Jorge who seems to want a private chat. Strange he'd asked about Roger as well.

"Rafael, I wanted to talk to you personally - we have a story that you've split up with your girlfriend Maria. I don't think I can stop it - are you happy for me to confirm?"

It had to happen. "Yes, go ahead."

"Do you want to specify a reason?"

"Contact Benito - he''ll give you something."

" I'd normally go straight to him but I felt bad about that. And I'm sorry."

"Thank you."

**London WTP Tour Finals November 2015**

"Rafael, Toni, I need to talk to you.” Benito sounds firm but not in any way panicked.

“What’s the problem?”

“There’s some photos appeared in the press that I need to talk to you about. Come into the office.”

They sit down and wait for whatever Benito has to show them.

“These are what I mean.” He turns his laptop around. There is Roger – looking much the same although with slightly longer hair – and an unknown man. Holding hands, kissing.

“How did these get on the Internet?”

“My guess is the other guy in the pictures sold them – he found out Roger was working with you and realised he could get some money. At least he didn’t try blackmail. Did you both know Roger was gay?”

“Yes.”

“Yes”. Rafa looks at Toni in surprise but his face is expressionless

“It wouldn’t normally be an issue – but with you having split up with Maria – there’s bound to be gossip.”

“So?”

“You’ve always liked to keep your private life out of the newspapers.”

“Are you suggesting I stop working with Roger? Because that’s not going to happen.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yes. They can write whatever stories they like. Tio, we need to get to practise.” He waits until they’re well out of ear shot.

“How did you know Roger was gay, Tio?”

“I’m not stupid, I know you’re involved with him.”

“And you never said anything?”

“I tried. I could see you were attracted to him, maybe even before you did, I knew Maria was going to get hurt. And there are obvious issues mixing work with the personal like this"”

“That’s why you didn’t want him on the team”

“Yes.”

“I suppose that solves that mystery.”

“If we’re being honest with each other, let's talk. Are you gay?”

"I am. Meeting Roger made me face up to that but it was there anyway."

"And what exactly is your relationship?"

“I don’t know”.

“How can you not know?”

“We’re just… we haven’t put labels on things.” What’s he supposed to say to his own uncle ? _We’ve had amazing sex but we’ve never talked about being boyfriends or about love._

“You need to talk about these photos. Whether you like it or not the gossip is going to hurt both of you.”

“I know”. It’s not a conversation he’s looking forward to.

**That Evening**

“Roger, I need to show you something.”

“That sounds serious.”

“It’s not really bad….but you ought to know.” He finds the photos on his laptop and lets Roger study them.

“The little shit.”

“Who is he?”

“Lucas, my ex boyfriend. I might have guessed he’d do something like this.”

“Things didn’t end well?”

“No, they really didn’t.”

“Was it good before that?”

“We had some good times, we were in love, but he always put himself first. I’m glad I got out of it.”

“Roger, this doesn’t matter – there’ll be gossip but it will die down.”

“It’s not that easy.”

“It is to me, I don’t care what people say.”

“It’s not all about you.”

“What do you mean?”

“You remember what I said – I didn’t know how people would react to their physio being gay? It’s going to be known all over the Tour now.”

“I don’t think it’ll be that big a problem Roger, everyone knows what you’ve done for me, how good you are. Anyway, you’re going to be working for me for years and years.”

“Oh am I? Do I get any choice in that?”

“Of course you have the choice but…” He stops – how can he tell Roger that he doesn’t want him to even have that thought in his head – the thought that he might leave.

“Hey.” He feels Roger’s arms come around him. “I’m sorry, you're right, this is going to affect you as well."

“Don't worry about that.” If there seems to be some lingering pain from the whole conversation there’s an easy way to make that go away. He kisses Roger until he can feel the matching response from him – that slight hitching in his breath – the way he presses himself against Rafa a little more closely.

“Isn’t this too close to your match? What would Toni say?”

“I’d tell him it helps me relax.” He pulls down Roger’s shorts and tickles him in the way that he knows will bring any resistance to an end. And of course…” Well, if you’re sure…” They barely make it to the bedroom – God, the weight of Roger on top of him – it feels so overwhelming, so sensual and yet so safe. He crosses his legs around Roger’s back and kisses down his neck. The sound of Roger laughing is unexpected though.

“You don’t like?”

“Oh I do..only…I can’t do much.”

“Never mind.” He indulges himself some more until an attack of pins and needles forces him to move. There’s no time to even rub his legs before Roger has him turned over.

“Can I eat you out?”

“Please.” And then he seems to lose it completely – speaking aloud in Catalan all those embarrassing things that he could never really tell Roger – not even just about sex but how he must never ever go……

“I hope all that stuff meant you were enjoying it.”

“Oh yes. Did you understand any of it?”

“Not a word. But it was kind of a turn-on.”

With that he falls into silence – post sex is the only time Roger is ever quiet. And of course he will never leave because this moment will last forever – just being held close and letting the real world slip away.

“Is Lucas Swiss?” Where did that come from - it doesn’t feel like something he meant to say.

“No, he’s German. Why?”

“I suppose I just haven’t thought of you having relationships. You don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to talk about it.”

“It’s OK. He lived just over the border but he used to come to this gay club in Basel – that was how we met.”

“And you said it was good before….you split up?”

“Yeah, he was smart and funny – he could make me laugh for hours. And he probably loved me as much as he could love anyone. But like I said - he was selfish, he never really thought about what he was doing or how it would affect people. That was what broke us up.”

“You don’t have to say what happened.”

“No, it’s far enough away for me to be OK talking about it. He’d persuaded me we should be open – I wasn’t too keen but I didn’t want to lose him – and we were supposed to have rules. Then he barebacked with a guy who turned out to be HIV positive.”

“Fuck.”

“Yeah. We both tested negative but he didn’t even seem to know what he’d done wrong – just acted like it was some big joke - I knew then I had to get him out of my life.”

“Do you think he’s angry with you, selling those photos?”

“I doubt it. He probably just wanted the money and liked knowing it would piss me off. Bit of revenge I suppose.”

_How do you feel about it now? Has it put you off relationships for good? Do you still want to fall in love?_

“Do you miss him?”

“Sometimes. It’s hard to explain – like if I want to make a joke and I know he would find it funny but no-one else would. But I’m not sorry I walked out. Do you miss Maria?”

Well, he has a right to ask that question. “Yes I do. But it's hard to think about her, I wish I could remember the good times without all the guilt."

“Rafa, relationships do end. Maria will come back from it.”

“I could think like that if we’d split up because we weren’t getting on. But it’s like I told her she wasn’t good enough – I feel like I could have done it in a nicer way but I don’t know how.”

“One day you’ll hear that she’s married and then you’ll know it’s OK.”

“I hope so. Anyway, I'm tired, let's sleep."

It's somehow irritating that after that Roger falls asleep faster than Rafa does. He thinks of Roger and the unknown Lucas whispering together, saying _"I love you, I want to be with you, you are mine forever"._ Except they wouldn't because that would have been in German, there would have been jokes between them that wouldn't even have made sense in English, if Rafa had ever seen them talking and laughing together he wouldn't have understood a single word. He feels no jealousy of the sex, or even the love they must have shared, but the ability to speak out of your heart in the language you were born into - that's something he and Roger would never have. 

************************************************

He feels a little guilty feigning sleep but it's good to have a chance to think. It's been a while since he talked about Lucas and it hadn't been painful, just strange, someone who had been the center of your world and still vividly remembered but now somehow distant. He hasn't thought much about relationships since but maybe he might be approaching the point of trying again......


	9. Chapter 9

**Ten days before the Australian Open 2016**

"You want to watch a film this afternoon?"

"I can't, I've arranged to go and play a match at the local club. It was funny, I went to ask about temporary membership and they were all _oh we don't let just anyone play here_ then I told them who I worked for and they were suddenly all _oh well, we'll see what we can do._ They probably think they'll get free tickets, fuck 'em" 

"Why don't I come and watch? It'd be fun." 

"Sure, if you want. I might be pretty bad though, I don't get as much practice as I used to"

That's probably Rafa's fault, all the more important that he takes an interest now.

*******************************************************

He hasn't seen Roger play since that time in Basel - how much has changed in his own life since then. He can remember Roger's style quite well - and that he'd enjoyed watching him. But he probably will look out of practice.

A the match plays out that proves to be the case, Roger does look a little rusty but, from what Rafa remembers, his tactical sense and stroke selection seem better than they were when he'd watched the last time. Perhaps that's not surprising, the amount of tennis Roger watches now, being involved in discussions with Toni, all that must be making a difference. He wins the match fairly easily as well.

"You looked good Roger."

"Thanks, I was surprised, he's supposed to be one of the of the top players at the club. Maybe he's out of practice as well."

"Or maybe you've improved. You used to say you couldn't have handled the pro tour but I think you would have learned, you could have been really good."

"Don't think so. It doesn't really matter now anyway."

"No, but I think it's a shame. Maybe you would have won tournaments, we might have had some good matches together"

"And you think that would have been better than what I do now? Because tennis is so much more important than helping people be healthy, looking after their bodies?"

"Of course I didn't mean that."

"Sounded like it."

"No, it didn't, what's the matter with you?"

"Just forget it." He gets up and finds his things. "See you tomorrow."

_Great. What the fuck happened there? Is this what will always happen with Roger? Is it the language? Could they ever really understand each other even without their differences in wealth and fame? Maybe he and Lucas didn't have these blow ups._

**That Evening**

"Rafael, there's no point playing this game if you're not going to concentrate"

"Sorry, Tio. I'll get my head together."

"No, let's just stop. What's happened?"

"Nothing."

"Don't bullshit me. I'm probably not much good with relationship advice but I'm all you've got."

"I'm not in a relationship."

"You're in something, whatever you call it."

"Roger had a go at me for nothing, I don't want to fight with him but I don't think I did anything wrong." Toni listens in silence and doesn't say much for a while.

"I don't think you should apologise Rafael but you could try talking to him. I have my issues about what's going on but I've always found Roger very reasonable. I think once he's calmed down you'll find things are clearer."

"I don't know Tio, maybe there's something I won't be able to understand."

"Is that so important? Because you're not in a relationship are you?

_No, they aren't._

**The Next Morning**

"Roger, about yesterday, I obviously said something that upset you, I don't really understand but please explain it to me."

"No, I need to apologise, Rafa, you didn't say anything wrong."

"Good, but something upset you so tell me."

Roger sits down heavily and rubs at his face. "I suppose you just hit on a sore spot." 

"This is about tennis? Are you sorry you didn't go on the pro tour?"

"I have more regrets than I admit to, maybe. But not really in the way you think, it's complicated."

"Talk."

"It was hard for me, studying, physio isn't just giving someone a nice massage, you have to really understand the science behind it. I got there in the end, now I find it really interesting and I can understand new research and everything like that. But if I'd put that effort into tennis I'd have been rich maybe and I would have got all the _oh, isn't he dedicated, isn't he special_ kind of crap. I put the same work into my job and nobody knows about it. It shouldn't bother me...but maybe it does."

"I know about it Roger, I appreciate it. And other people in the game see it."

"Yeah, I know." He gets up and takes Rafa's hand. "You're good with that - I chat with the other physios and some of them get treated like servants."

"Tio would never have let me do that. He was always strict about how I treated other people."

"I think it's something to do with you as well." He laughs and looks much more like his normal self. "Anyway, I'd better do my actual job instead of complaining about it. Do some hamstring stretches - I want to see if there's any tightness there."

It's strange how different it feels to have Roger's hands on him in this way to when it's sex. He spends quite a long time feeling the muscle. 

"We should have a talk with Toni about the schedule, Rafa, but you might want to think about skipping Rotterdam. There's nothing too bad here but it's not 100%"

"Here to Indian Wells is a big jump though." He dislikes big gaps in his schedule.

"I know. And I don't think it would be too risky so long as you pull out at the first sign of trouble. But it's my job to give you the options."

"Thanks, we'll talk with Tio later on. Anyway, tell me more about that club you went to."

"The people who play there are nice, it's the ones who run the place that are full of shit. But I played one guy and he was struggling with his back - I talked to him afterwards and some idiot's told him absolute garbage about what to do with it. He'll feel a lot better now I've told him what to do."

"You can afford to hand out free physio? I'm paying you too much."

"I'm terrible, Rafa, I have to stop myself sometimes, _don't you realise you'll have disc problems in twenty years if you carry on sitting like that,_ it's awful to see people and know they'll have pain one day."

"You can't cure the whole world, Roger"

"No. But some day I won't be doing just sport, that's for sure."

_The future? It's a long way off._

"Are we still on for Saturday?"

"Of course". He pats Rafa on the arm. "Wouldn't miss it."

*****************************************************

"So we're agreed, we go to Rotterdam but Rafael pulls out at the slightest wince."

"Yes, I agree. I need to get back now, I've got a conference call with some physios in Germany."

"Thanks, Roger, see you tomorrow."

"I take it you sorted everything out then."

"Yes, he explained it all. No problem."

"So your _relationship_ is back on track then."

"Don't start again Tio. We're co-workers and friends - not anything more....I don't think."

"If you say so."

********************************************************

**Saturday**

"It's OK to be nervous, Rafa, everyone is the first time."

"I'm just worried about not being able to play for a week."

"It won't happen, there'd be warning signs and we'd just stop before any damage." 

"OK" Of course it should be fine - he's followed Roger's preparation instructions - finger, toy , larger toy, two fingers, and liberal use of his recommended brand of lubricant religiously over the past two weeks. Thank God for online deliveries.

"Just relax" . It's not that easy but Roger's use of tongue and fingers is skilled and the nerves are beginning to be replaced by excitement and more....

"Ready?"

"Yes" He straddles Roger's hips and tries to get into roughly the right position. He lowers himself down.....

"Ow".

"Just go at your own pace. Don't force anything."

"It's OK." He breathes out and moves a little more -it does hurt but it's also thrilling and shocking and overwhelming as he adjusts to the sensation. He smiles at Roger who smiles back.

"Feels good?"

"Yeah". He can't even describe the emotions but maybe Roger senses something, he lifts himself up, wraps his arms around Rafa's waist and puts his cheek against his. "Feels good to me too, man."

He could probably be content to stay like this all evening but that wouldn't be fair on Roger would it? After a minute or so he lets him fall back down and moves tentatively up and down, not going hard but enough for Roger to hit the right spot once in a while. And the feeling inside him when he eventually comes is pretty damn special. 

"Glad you liked it. Being vers is good."

"I'm glad too". He's being held by a man who's literally been inside his body and it feels so warm and emotional and close that he can't really do anything except lie there and try and absorb every moment. Sometimes words are no use at all.

** Indian Wells 2016 **

"I'm so sorry, Rafa, but obviously I can't do physio with this." He holds up his arm in its cast. 

"Of course not, are you going to sue the bastard?"

"His insurance is covering it, I guess he wasn't used to cyclists. Could have been worse - get bumped by a car and anything can happen"

"Yes." He pushes aside the thought of what it could have meant. "You said it wasn't broken?"

"No." He gives Rafa a full description of the problem which might as well be in German. "It will be completely fine but not in time for Miami, I'll have to meet you in Monte Carlo"

"I'll ask around to find someone else."

"Do that. I can give them a full run-down then I'll fly home."

"Be nice for you to spend time with your family anyway."

"You're not kidding. My Mum's food is amazing and I can see my sister's kids."

"Enjoy yourself."

**Miami 2016**

"Hello"

"Hi, do you want to chat first or do you want to get down to it? I prefer to get to know someone a little bit first."

"That sounds good." It's something of a relief, it seems very odd to instantly start kissing someone you've haven't even spoken to. "Tell me about yourself."

"I'm Chilean, working for an import company - it's for two years initially but I might stay - it's more gay friendly here. What about you?"

"I'm from Spain, the Balearics."

"What do you do?"

"I work in the sports business - personal training and coaching mostly."

"Wouldn't do for me -I keep fit but I'm not a sports fan."

"Yes, it said in your profile."

"I started putting that in - I kept having guys trying to talk to me about the NFL."

_American Football's such a stupid sport Rafa, all those guys with huge muscles but they need padding in case they bump into anyone. And the way it stops every five seconds - you'd pay to see a game and you only really see about five minutes of action, you know?"_

_"_ Rafael?"

"Sorry, what did you say again?"

"Do you want to start?"

"Oh..... yes, I do."

"Come here then."

The kissing is slow and Matias takes his time getting their clothes off.

"You have an amazing body, Rafael."

"Thank you." 

"You want to hear what I'm going to do with it? Just say if you don't - not all guys do."

"Yes, please". It's amazingly sensual to hear these things said in his own language - by the time Matias shows he's ready it's a real effort to restrain himself. But it's worth it as he hears the appreciative sounds.

"How do you like it?"

"Mix it up if you can. I like a bit of pounding but not for too long."

"OK" Not that different to how Roger likes it really. He loses himself in the pleasure of it all - responding instinctively to the sounds below him as he reaches his climax.

"You want me to....?"

"Oh God, yes."

They don't quite manage to come together but it doesn't matter.

"That was great, not every top cares about whether the bottom has a good time."

 _Don't they?_ "It's got to be better if you both enjoy it."

"Wish everyone felt like you". They are sitting up together, Matias makes no move to hold him. 

"Would you like a coffee?"

"Yes please. Then I'd better go, there's an important meeting tomorrow."

After he's gone the room feels quiet, he's still not sure what impulse led him to the encounter in the first place. Loneliness? Not really, he could have spent the evening quite happily with Tio. If he was looking for a tiny remaining proof that he really is gay then he certainly got it, he still misses Maria but he can see now the life he would have had, using her for comfort and affection while seeking out men on the side. It would have destroyed them both. He'd just been thinking that it would be nice if Roger had been around and wondering if it was just sex he needed....

Maybe he just needed to know whether what he feels for Roger is desire...or friendship...or.......

**Basle March 2016**

"Roger, when are you going to start looking for a relationship again?"

"When would I get the chance? I'm never in one place long enough."

"That's just an excuse. I hope this isn't all about Selfish Dickhead."

"You're talking about the man I used to love, Diana."

"And I never liked him from the start, did I?"

That's true enough, Diana had never had any time for Lucas. He hadn't exactly been good with kids. 

"What about Rafa?"

"What about him?"

"Touring wouldn't be a problem if he was your boyfriend."

"That's not...possible."

"You were always a terrible liar, Roger. You turn up and suddenly he's split with his girlfriend? And I can hear it in your voice when you talk about him."

There doesn't seem any point in denying it. "OK, we're...kind of involved but how would it work really? One argument at a tournament and Rafa's game could be affected. He wouldn't put that at risk, he's very focussed on his career."

"There are female players who've had relationships with their trainers - they must make it work."

"Yes, then they split up and it's all over the papers."

"Everything has a risk, Roger, if you like him you should go for it."

"I'll think about it."

He thinks about it quite a lot as he drives back to his mother's.

"Roger, there's been a Thomas Meier ringing for you. He wants you to call him back."

The name seems vaguely familiar but he can't remember why exactly.

"Do you have the number?"

"Here".

**Monte Carlo 2016**

"Welcome back"

"It's good to be here. How did you get on with Javier?"

"Wonderful, he was so quiet. Made a nice change."

“I have something I need to talk to you about.”

“Good or bad?”

“Bit of both. I’ve been offered a job by Swiss Tennis.”

“Oh.” He needs to keep his voice steady despite the thumping of his heart. “What sort of a job?”

“Developing a physical training programme for players at all levels.” He launches into a full description – it’s clear it’s an amazing job. There’s only going to be one thing Rafa can say at the end.

“Roger, this is a great opportunity for you.”

“I know. But – I don’t want to just walk off….” He looks away and waves his hand around in a vague sort of way. “If you’d like…I could still be involved with your team even if I wasn’t touring with you all the time.”

“We can discuss that.” He forces a bright smile onto his face. “Why don’t you talk to the Swiss people and see exactly what it involves?”

“I’ll do that.” He smiles a little uncertainly. “Thank you.”

“And it means they don’t care about you being gay. You don’t have to worry about that now.”

“I hadn’t thought about that. You’re right – it’s good to know.”

He must go, get out onto the court, Roger mustn’t see him cry. “I’ll see you after training.”

******************************************

After he’s gone Roger stays staring into space, aware of the lump in his throat but unclear as to its causes. This is good isn’t it, Rafa wasn’t upset or hurt, he’ll find another physio and eventually a boyfriend, presumably. Good job he hadn't talked about possibly moving things to the next stage as he'd decided in Basel, it would just have embarrassed Rafa and maybe their friendship would have been spoiled. How could it have worked anyway, they’d have had to keep it secret from the world and Toni would have hated it. Much better as it is, much better….but he’ll miss him, that can be the only reason he’s fighting back the tears.

** That Evening **

"So Roger will be leaving in May. I liked Javier so I'm going to ask him to join us. Having a Spanish speaker will be nice." He'd practised saying those word in his head so they would come out nice and calm.

"And have you spoken to him at all? About how you feel?"

"I'm sorry to see him go but I'm sure things will go well with Javier."

"That's not what I meant and you know it."

Suddenly the relief of being honest is too much. "I can't Tio, this is a fantastic opportunity for him, I can't ask him to give it up and I'm sure he wouldn't do it anyway."

"Why would he have to? Lots of tennis players don't have their partners with them all the time."

He thinks about Roger and their time together - has he ever said anything about love, about a relationship, about being exclusive? He wonders what would happen if he told him about Matias - he'd probably laugh and come up with some story of his own. Maybe while he was in Basel he hooked up with a Hans, or a Stefan, or a Jurgen. He wouldn't be jealous. 

"I just don't think Roger feels that way about me, Tio. Can we not talk about this again?"

"If you say so."

**May 2016**

He’d wondered if it would even be better to find some excuse to avoid this night but in the end he hadn’t had the strength – not to have had a last night with Roger would just have taken more from him than he knew how to give.

“Our last time for a while.”

“Yes.” Rafa doesn’t argue with the “while” but it has to be the last – he can’t bear the thought of some on-and-off-again thing. Once Roger has gone it needs to be permanent so he can focus full-time on his career and maybe at some unimaginable future date think about love – no, this one is going to be it. Thank God for the privacy of his own language – he lets everything go and by the time Roger is begging to be fucked he’s forgotten that this is the last time anyway. There is nothing else but this.

“I’m going to miss you, Rafa.”

“You too.” He can allow himself that much surely. And thank God the morning is a long way off – if you stay awake the whole time it’s going to feel a very long time indeed.

************************************************************

“Well, thank you for everything - - you know what you’ve done.”

“Thank you too – for…for giving me this opportunity. And I’ll see you when you play Basel.” _You have to – it can’t be that I’ll never see you again_

“Of course.” _Except he’ll have to be injured or the schedule will be wrong because surely by then this wound will have healed and the pain will have gone and there’s no way he’ll be able to rip it open again._

“Goodbye. Take care”

“And you. Goodbye.”


	10. Chapter 10

**Wimbledon Final 2017**

"I think your shoulder will be fine, Rafael, don't hold back on the serve."

"Good". There'd been some discomfort in the semi but Rafa has learnt to trust Javier's judgement. He was a good choice as Roger's replacement - different enough to not bring up any jarring memories - and he has a calmness and patience that is actually quite restful.

"Are you ready?" Tio is refraining from any last minute advice which is just as well since his head is already full to bursting with tactics.

"I am." This is it - he can feel it - by the end of this afternoon he'll be a champion on clay and grass - part of that elite group who've shown they can win on the game's most contrasting surfaces. 

**_I wonder who came up with the idea of playing on grass in the first place Rafa, I mean, what a stupid idea to have in Britain, a surface you can only play on half the year and it's even less than that when it rains most of the time. You shouldn't worry if you never win here - you just say to the press "I'm not a fucking sheep."_ **

"What on earth are you smiling at?"

"Just thinking about the match. I'm looking forward to it."

"Give him hell."

He'll do just that.

****************************

It seems like hours until he can finally go through his phone messages - they're all blurring into one except for:

**Hey man you did it, I was cheering my head off, you're the Bull, not a sheep.**

_**Thanks, how are you?** _

**I'm good, will I see you in Basel?**

_How would he ever manage that and then say goodbye again? His life is settled right now._

_**I don't know my schedule yet** But somehow _ _he can't give up on the possibility...._

**No worries, look after yourself.**

**_And you._ **

*******************************************************

He puts down his phone and picks up the paperwork he's been trying to avoid for the entire weekend. The job is fascinating and rewarding - he can see the difference his work will make for the next ten, even twenty years - but it certainly has its downsides. And it doesn't leave much time for thinking about anything else - certainly not relationships. Maybe he'll take a break and think about that in October......fuck, how stupid, what is he expecting? If Rafa had wanted something more he'd have said something wouldn't he - and he would certainly have kept in touch more than he has. He probably won't play Basel anyway. Concentrate on work....

********************************************************

**October 2017: Manacor**

"I want to go straight to Paris, Tio, not play Basel."

"Are you sure? The surface in Paris is always difficult, you could pick up 500 points in Switzerland."

"I'm sure." His career is going so well at the moment, he's not going to do anything that might disrupt that. Certainly not an awkward dinner with Roger who might even bring along some new boyfriend. Better to leave things as they are.

"We'll start making plans for that then. Is Felipe coming round tonight?"

"He is."

"He's a nice guy, I like him"

"What are you trying to say, Tio?"

"Nothing."

**That Night**

"You want top or bottom tonight?"

"Bottom"

"Good" It's a pretence they go through, Felipe likes to think of himself as vers for some reason, maybe he feels that makes him a _more well-rounded gay person_ but in fact the one time Rafa had topped him he'd obviously been struggling to show any enthusiasm. It doesn't matter, Rafa's in the mood for being fucked anyway.

"Hands and knees. Let me look." Felipe is pretty good at being dominant, too much is annoying but a little bit has a certain frisson.

**_God, Rafa, I'm not really into that stuff - I hooked up with a guy once who said "I'm going to howl like I'm a werewolf" and then he made this little sound like "ooh" and it just sounded so stupid - I couldn't really get in the mood after that._ **

"No laughing. Concentrate."

"Sorry." He's soon lost anyway -Felipe knows what he's doing. The release comes fast

"Rafael, how could you ever think you were straight?" They've become good enough friends that he can ask that question.

"I didn't know any different."

"You could do it with girls? It was OK?"

"Yes. It's like the difference between serrano and iberico - you think serrano is fine until you've tried the other."

"Are you going to come out?"

 _There's a question._ "I'm thinking about it but I haven't decided yet."

"Do you think the other players will be OK with it?"

"I don't think they'll say much to my face but some of them will be idiots."

"You have courage, Rafael"

 _He hadn't when he needed it._ "Not really. Do you want to eat? The room service here is very good."

"Love to."

*****************************************

And another night with Rafael goes by without Felipe getting any closer to him, really. It's beginning to hurt -beyond his attractiveness and success there's a kindness to Rafa that's somehow very appealing and yet Felipe never seems able to broach the idea of changing their relationship into something more. Rafael never seems unhappy yet there's something closed off about him - perhaps it's just his commitment to his career - an unwillingness to let any human weaknesses interfere with that. It's a shame but it's probably time for Felipe to look elsewhere before he's in too deep and content himself with watching Rafael on the television - no point longing for the unattainable.

**October 2017: Manacor**

“No second thoughts? The statement's going out in an hour.”

"None. I want to do this."

"The first time you meet the press might be hard."

“I’m ready, Benito, I know what I want to say.”

“Good. I don’t know if I’ve really said how much I respect you for this, but I do.”

“Thanks.” The evident sincerity in Benito’s voice is touching.

“I’m not sure I quite understand why though.”

Maybe no-one else can understand. But he’d become tired of looking over his shoulder, wondering if he was going to get caught, that he would suddenly wake up to some press expose. And anyway, if he, right at the top of the game, doesn’t show bravery then who can? Who else will step up and say _we belong in this sport too_.

“They’re bound to ask you if there’s someone else in the picture.”

“I know.” What would it have been like if he'd been introducing Roger to the world as his boyfriend? Oh, but that's just stupid, who’s to say it would have worked out anyway and he’s been enjoying the chance to experiment…you can’t really just settle down with the first guy you slept with, can you, even if you can’t forget the feel of his hands, the sound of his laughter….

**_Being gay is fine, Rafa, but you do have to watch out for some dickheads. I went on a date with one guy and he was looking at Grindr while he was talking to me – like checking out there wasn’t someone nearby with a better cock, you know…then there was the guy who wanted me to play with his feet all night – and the one…._ **

Sometimes it feels as if Roger really hasn't gone anywhere at all.

**The Same Evening in Basel**

The lunch had been somewhat stressful but ultimately successful – the officials who had seemed incapable of agreeing with each other or with Roger had been brought onside. Perhaps the wonderful food the restaurant had provided had helped, just as he’d planned. And it turns out he was not mistaken in the signals coming from the waiter. Five hours later and there he is at the door.

“Food first, or sex?” He puts a bag on the table, presumably leftovers from the restaurant.

“Sex, definitely.” Followed by lovely food? Perfect end to the day.

He hasn’t topped for a while but you don’t forget how and Luigi seems more than satisfied.

“You said you were vers?”

“I am. Although it depends on the person.”

“I must go with vers guys more often. That was great.”

“Thanks.” Roger’s never quite understood guys who only top. How can you know how to do it right if you don’t know how it feels?”

“Let me cook. The crab dish I brought hasn’t been that popular but it tastes amazing. Chef told me what to do.”

The crab is incredible.

“Can you put the TV on? I want to know the scores”

“Sure.”

But the football has been relegated to second spot by some bigger news.

 _Tennis superstar Rafael Nadal today issued a statement announcing that he is gay….._ there are some clips of Rafa playing and a picture of his Tweet _….. the head of the ATP said “we welcome this announcement and want to give him all our best wishes and support….”_

“Hey, he plays for our side. Good on him.”

“Yes, it’s…it’s…. great.”

“You OK?”

“Of course.”

“Didn’t you say you worked in tennis? Did you know?”

“I…heard rumours.”

“I’m going to start cheering him on now.”

“You should anyway. I heard he’s a nice guy.”

“Oh fuck me, how could Sion lose to Young Boys….that’s just shit…” It’s a relief to see Luigi move on to football. Of course it’s silly to be upset, is it so surprising that Rafa is obviously in a serious relationship? Why on earth would he make the announcement otherwise? Stupid to still think about him at all or to regret never saying anything. Be glad that he’s happy.

**November 2017: London**

Despite having to make polite conversation with numerous sponsors pretending they actually know something about the game the preliminary ATP Tour Finals event is always enjoyable. His fellow pros seem to be in a similarly relaxed mood.

"Rafa" Dominic finally catches him in a quiet corner. "I wanted to tell you how much I respect your decision."

"Thank you." Dominic's a good guy - he won't be saying that just to make himself look good.

"I'm mentoring a junior player who came out to me a year ago - it's made all the difference in the world to him."

That brings a lump to the throat. "I came out partly to help guys like him - tell him everything's going to be fine."

"I will". The conversation leaves him in such a good move it's not even dimmed by the sight of Novak approaching.

_**I don't know what it is but I just can't imagine Novak having sex can you? Like him and the woman would have to pray first and afterwards he'd have to have an ice bath to cleanse his soul or some bollocks.** _

"I want to congratulate you on your fantastic year, Rafa."

"Thanks Novak, you did well yourself." _Not quite as well as me though._

"Can I ask you, you seem so much more...focussed...have you changed how you approach matches mentally?"

 _How is that his business? "_ No"

"Oh." He stills his look of surprise so that his face resumes the normal "above it all" expression which it wears off-court. "I'm very impressed with how you've handled things on and...off court."

"Thank you" Perhaps he shouldn't be so suspicious of him, he means well.

"But" and here the _serene_ expression changes into a rather pained _sincere and concerned_ one. "I do miss the old Rafa a little bit. Don't lose him altogether."

 _What the fuck does that mean?_ "I'm sorry?"

"The fun does stop when we reach the top of the heap. But try and hold on to some of it." He makes a hasty retreat before Rafa can reply leaving him with a rather confused set of emotions, perhaps he should be feeling angry but Novak did seem oddly genuine.

He's completely wrong of course - Rafa has lost nothing.

**Christmas 2017: Manacor**

"Rafael, where do you think this should go?" His mother holds up one of the ornaments - a bauble that's apparently been in the family since the day Jesus was actually born.

"In the middle?" He doesn't really mind but his mother always tries to involve the family in these decisions.

"You don't think it will get lost there?"

"At the top?"

"Then it will clash with the star."

"Mama, I really don't mind".

"No, I'm being silly." She puts the bauble in the middle and then starts talking with her head turned away. "Rafael, how is your life now? I mean - your personal life?"

"It's fine."

"You haven't found anyone special?"

"When I do you'll be the first to know."

She leaves the tree and comes to sit down next to him. "You know I'm going to love my son-in-law like I would have loved a daughter-in-law, don't you?"

 **It's hard for parents, Rafa, I mean mine said all the right stuff you know - _oh we love you just the same_ and _it makes no difference_** **then I found out my Mum had been crying because the wedding wouldn't be the same and she thought she wouldn't have grandkids. And my Dad couldn't say the word _boyfriend_ without making it sound really awkward.**

"You don't have to worry about that yet."

"I suppose you don't have much time."

"Mama, I'm happy with how things are, honestly." He can't really explain to his mother that it's fun exploring sex, discovering what your body wants, the touches, the words, that take the experience to new levels of excitement. Men are straightforward about it all, anything you want to try out you can find someone who will help you.

"So long as you're not lonely."

**But they got used to it, they really do love me just the same and yours will too Rafa. It will all be fine.**

_Oh no, he's never lonely._


	11. Chapter 11

**Manacor July 2018**

The request for a meeting had taken him by surprise and he hadn't really known how to react to it - of course he'd said Yes but.....he can't let his hopes rise too far. Maybe she just wants to tell him how he ruined her life and she’s never been happy since – well he deserves it doesn’t he?

“Rafael.” She looks a little nervous. “Hello.”

“Maria.” He moves forward to kiss her – thank goodness she doesn’t back away. “I’m so glad to see you again.”

“Thank you for agreeing to meet.”

“You thought I’d refuse? How are you?”

“I’m well.”

“And your family?”

“Same. Can we skip all this - I came to give you some news.”

“Good news?”

“I’m getting married.”

“That’s…that’s…wonderful.” His eyes are flooding with tears. “Who is he? It is a “he” isn’t it?”

“Oh yes.” She bursts into a wonderful, life enhancing peal of laughter. “Imagine that as a story in the press – if you and me both…..”

“I think it would have made a few headlines. But talk to me, who is he?”

“His name is Josep Felipe Amarto, I met him about a year after we split up.” She settles back comfortably in her chair. “It wasn't love at first sight – it was more that he seemed to…to want me so much…after what happened you can imagine why I liked that. But I didn’t treat him very well.”

“I can’t imagine that from you.”

“You don’t know how I was – Rafael, I’m not saying this to hurt you but I want you to understand how I feel now and that means having to tell you how I was then, if that makes sense.”

“It does.”

“After a few months he told me he wanted to stop seeing me – he said I obviously didn’t feel the same way about him as he did about me and he’d given up hoping I might fall in love with him. That shocked me - it made me think about how my life was going.” 

“He must have changed his mind.”

“It wasn’t that easy. I realised I was still full of anger – and maybe I was going to waste my whole life being angry. I had some counselling and then I asked him if we could try again. I fell in love with him completely after that - and it's given me the strength to come here.”

“Tell me about him.”

“He works as a lighting designer at the Liceu in Barcelona, he’s calm and quiet most of the time but when he gets excited about something he’s very passionate. And he listens to me – he makes me feel special.”

“I’m sorry…I couldn’t give you that.”

“Rafael.” She leans forward and takes his hand. “That’s what I’ve realised being with Josep, the way he looks at me, the way he _is_ with me - you really couldn’t. And it wasn’t your fault – you were kind, you always tried to do the right thing, but you actually couldn’t love me the way I wanted you to. What we had was friendship, not love."

“It was love of a kind, I think. Maria, coming out as gay, having everyone talk about me, putting up with all the shit in the locker room – none of that was anything like as bad as knowing I’d hurt you.”

“You did hurt me – I’m not going to lie about that. But it's better now. If you’d still like to be friends then I hope that’s what we can be. And would you like to come to my wedding?””

“Try and stop me. Even if you hold it the day of a Grand Slam Final.”

She laughs again – it’s so good to hear that. “No, I’ll make sure it’s a date you can manage. And now we’re friends again I can be very nosy – is there a boyfriend?”

“No, I haven’t really had time.”

“So it’s just Grindr?”

“How do you know about Grindr?”

“You think I’m that naïve? Aren’t you a twunk?”

“That sort of rubbish is why I don’t use Grindr. If you want to know, I have a few friends I know I can trust, that suits me fine. Maria, I’m going to order in food – choose something off that menu.”

“It all looks good. Can I have the salmon and then chocolate ice cream?”

“I should have ordered in advance – I knew that’s what you’d choose.”

“You remember when Roger told us how boring we were with our ice creams?”

 _He’s back in the moment – feeling the sun on his back – the warmth of friendship – almost the taste of the ice cream_ …

“Are you still in touch with him? I know he got another job.”

“No, I haven’t spoken to him recently.”

“That’s a shame. He was funny.”

**I’ve found somewhere to play tennis – there’s some nice people but I was playing this one guy – honestly he’s one of those that’s got all this really expensive equipment but he can barely even hit with top-spin – I had to give him a couple of games or it would have been embarrassing. He told me he was trying out a new racket and that was the problem – I was thinking “man, you could just use a dustbin lid for all the good it’ll do you.”**

“Rafael, I’m sorry, have I said something wrong?”

“No, I was just remembering some good times, that’s all.”

“I know you better than that, out with it.”

“Honestly, that’s it – I haven’t thought about Roger in ages - _well, at least a day -_ but you’re right – we did have fun when he was around.”

“You weren’t ever involved?”

“We’ve only just got to be friends again and you’re asking me that?”

“That means yes.”

“OK, yes, we were for a while.”

“I’m sorry you broke up.”

“We didn’t break up – we were never together really then he got another job and he….left.”

“Do you want salmon as well?”

“What?”

“Do you want salmon as well?”

“Yes, yes, I’ll order now”. Time to pull himself together. “And I’ll get a bottle of wine - we need to celebrate this."

“I was hoping you’d suggest that.”

She doesn’t mention Roger again but she has plenty else to say (mainly about Josep and that would be very boring under different circumstances but now every word brings a lightening in his body), he hardly notices the time passing until she’s kissing him goodbye. It’s as if he has a new body, he’d become so used to that small hard knot of guilt he hadn’t even realised it was still there, only now does he notice it by its absence. She’s genuinely happy, she wants to be friends, they had always had a good friendship, maybe that was part of the reason he’d been able to submerge his true self for so long, until that night in Paris when everything had changed. It’s a joy to know he’ll have that friendship again, he’d long since given up hope of that. And he’ll have someone he can talk to occasionally about the past – Roger’s voice seems to be even clearer in his head now - and he doesn't ever want to lose that.

**Who are you playing next, Rafa? Nicolas Jermaine? Oh God, Marco Chiudinelli had this story about him, apparently he thinks he’s like this amazing stud, he’s always saying how every tournament he plays there are loads of women waiting around for him. Well, anyway, Marco met a woman who’d slept with him and she said he was really small, _like that small_ , and he was selfish too. Next time Marco saw him in the locker room he noticed he always kept a towel on!**

*******************************************

It had seemed a very short flight from Majorca back to Barcelona but then, she'd had a lot to think about. And there's a nice surprise waiting for her at the airport.

"Welcome back."

"Josep, you didn't need to do this."

"Don't be silly. How was it?"

"It was good but can we talk about it at home?"

"Of course". His capacity for restful silence is one of the nice things about him. It's only after a good meal together that she feels ready.

"You can ask me questions now."

"How was he? Was he pleased to see you?"

"He seemed it, I think he was very happy to hear the news. And he said he was looking forward to meeting you."

"I'm looking forward to that as well."

"You're curious?"

"Of course. He was a big part of your life and anyway, he's Rafael Nadal, who wouldn't want to meet him?"

"I suppose so, it's strange but I never think of him like that."

"And how did it make you feel, Maria?"

"I honestly don't know. I'm very glad I went, but I'm sad too."

"I can understand that, you'd be an odd person if you weren't sad about it."

"I don't think I was sad for me, I think I'm sad for him."

"You thought he wasn't happy?"

"He didn't seem **un** happy." She struggles to find the right words for what she's been trying to define ever since leaving Majorca. "But it's like he isn't feeling much of anything and that upset me somehow. He seemed so pleased for me, he listened so hard to everything I said but he didn't really say anything about his own life, he obviously doesn't have anyone special. I spent so long feeling angry at him and sorry for myself, now that seems like such a waste of time. I want him to be happy like me."

"That's because you're a loving person Maria. I saw that even when you were angry, I just hoped one day you'd come back to yourself even if I wasn't the lucky man."

"You say all the right things. Are you coming to bed?"

"You go, I'm not sleepy yet."

"It wasn't sleep I meant."

"In that case, definitely."

**Shanghai October 2018**

It had been a good workout for him in the first round, Marco Chiudinelli is a solid player but no real threat. Always be polite though.

“You gave me a really tough time out there.” Only a slight exaggeration.

“I know, I’m pleased with the way I’m playing at the moment.” It’s been strange for Rafa to get used to that since he reached the top of the tree, the way that players are proud just of not being beaten too badly by him.

“Are you playing in the doubles?”

“I am, and we think we have a good chance.”

“Good luck.”

“Thanks”. Marco manages to get his clothes off and a towel around him with lightning speed – Rafa’s become used to that as well since coming out. Something about Marco and towels makes him smile though - what was it... oh yes.... **_he was that small_.....**

“Did I miss something?”

“No, I just remembered – something R…Roger once said about Nicolas Jermaine and a towel.” Another person he can speak to about Roger.

“Oh, Christ, yes, Nicolas and his towel – and we all know what he was trying to hide! I don’t know how you remember anything Roger says – there’s always so much of it, for me it just goes in one ear and out the other.”

“It was funny.”

“Oh, he can be – it sometimes gets on my nerves though. But he did a great job setting up our physical training programme – we don’t have the talent at the moment for a big breakthrough but our players are fitter than they’ve ever been.”

“Is he still working with you?”

“Not full-time, once he’d set up the programme he went back into private practice – I think he missed the hands-on stuff and the politics was driving him insane, Swiss Tennis can be a nightmare with the different factions. But he’s still involved as an advisor. I could give you his number if you wanted to say hello.”

“No, I’ve still got it.”

“OK”. Marco moves off in the direction of the shower, leaving Rafa to face an overwhelming obvious truth that has eluded him ever since Roger left.

_**Roger is not Dead.** _

Rafa has spent the last two years getting on with his life, loving his success, enjoying sex, having fun with his friends, spending time with his family, and at the same time nursing his memories, remembering Roger’s words and touches, occasionally retreating from other people so he can fully inhabit that lost world where Roger was still with him….and all the time there has been a real Roger right there on this planet, working for a living, paying his bills, probably having sex too, maybe he has a boyfriend or a husband. In Marco’s eyes Roger is a talented and highly respected professional colleague who gets on his nerves, what would Marco say if he could see the fantasy Roger living in Rafa’s head? Probably laugh at how different he is from the real person – and maybe he’d ask why Rafa lives with this fantasy while making no effort to contact the living, breathing, imperfect human being that wears the same face.

Why indeed?

**The Next Day**

Perhaps the real Roger starts here on his laptop.

It’s not difficult to find information about him despite the frustrations of Google Translate. There’s his own website, a lengthy feature on the Swiss Tennis website as they introduce the new system, and…Jesus…here’s a video….of course he doesn’t understand any of it – but there he is – the reality. It's all work oriented though -there doesn’t seem to be any personal Facebook – would he actually dare to look at it anyway?

**Oh God Rafa, you know that guy who was interviewing me? He had this other question which he had to cut - he was..like… _I’m so interested in what you were doing with Rafa Nadal – did you develop all these methods when you were working with him_ and I said _a bit_ and then he was like _so you were quite close friends then?_ and of course I know what he’s getting at so I carried on and told him all this really technical stuff and he was nodding and pretending to understand it and then I said… _does that answer your question_ and he had to say _yes_ and of course it didn’t at all….**

But the real Roger might not have said anything like that - maybe these days he just sounds like one of Rafa’s own marketing and business people – after all Roger is running his own business now.

**What are you so afraid of Rafa? Are you thinking if you see the real me again you’re going to have to let go of your nice little fantasy – you might not even like me any more and then what? You’ll have to think about what you want to do with your life – maybe you’ll have to start dating and then you’ll fall in love and then he might _hurt_ you……after all you don't have a great record on relationships do you? Maybe that's why you were too scared to tell me about how you felt in the first place.....**

Fantasy Roger doesn’t seem quite such a benign presence any more. And there’s probably only one way to get rid of him.


	12. Chapter 12

**October 2018: Basel**

“Fuck, there’s a surprise.”

“What?”

“Rafa wants to meet up when he’s playing in Basel. Don’t know why - I haven’t spoken to him since I left the job.”

“Probably just wants to say hello.”

“Yeah.”

“Anyway, get off your phone – I haven’t come all the way from Zurich just to chat about your old boyfriends.”

“He was never a boyfriend.”

“Fuck buddy then. Like me.”

“Nothing like you.” Paul is entertaining, a great body and they’re very compatible sexually but he’s always been clear that he never wants anything more. Roger really has no idea why he’s so set against relationships, some hidden trauma or just natural selfishness maybe but it doesn’t matter – the arrangement suits him just fine.

“I wasn’t surprised he was gay. Why else would God give him that arse?”

“So he could sit down?”

“If I had him here he wouldn’t be sitting down for a week. And neither will you in a short while.”

But as usual it’s an act, for all the harshness of his talk Paul is a considerate lover, Roger feels no more than a pleasant sort of ache at the end.

“So do you think he wants you to work with him again?”

“Who?”

“Rafa.”

“I don’t see why – he’s played just as well since I left. And I wouldn’t do it anyway, I don’t want to leave my clients – and I’ve got that book to write.” When it’s published he’s going to take it to his old school and throw it at them – _see, told you I wasn’t thick._

“Maybe he’s realised he can’t live without you after all.”

“I told you – that wasn’t how it was between us.” The pang of that has been muted over time but it’s still there – like a tiny splinter that evades your efforts to remove it. Still, it was obviously what Rafa wanted – why else had he never bothered to contact him?

“It’s time you got into a relationship.”

“You offering?” But he knows the answer to that.

“No way. But you’re the type who needs a wedding"”

“You sound like my mother.”

“Seriously though.” Paul does one of his occasional and disconcerting drops into gentleness. “This isn’t all about that idiot Lucas is it?”

“Oh no.” Although maybe it had made him more cautious - perhaps without that experience he might have leapt in feet first..... “Honestly, I just haven’t been looking for it, I love my work, there’s plenty of guys around looking for no strings, I’m very comfortable you know?”

“Bad excuse.” But Paul now seems to be bored of the subject. “Any chance of something to eat?”

**Two Weeks Later**

The restaurant is simple but extremely classy – Benito had researched the options thoroughly and received the necessary assurances that Mr Nadal’s wish for privacy would be respected. The waiter seems to have been well-primed.

“We have your table here for you, Mr Nadal. What would you like to drink?”

“Just soda, thank you.” No way he wants his head to be fuzzy. “Can you bring Mr Federer here when he arrives?”

“Certainly.” The drink arrives almost immediately – Rafa takes some to soothe his nerves but his hands feel a little unsteady. He reminds himself of the mantra he’s been repeating to himself all day – this is just a meal with an old friend…. And at the end of it he can move on with his life - it's ridiculous that Maria, who he had hurt so badly, has been able to do so while he himself is lost in dreams.....

“Rafa” says the voice that’s lived in his head for two years. “ It’s wonderful to see you again.”

“And you.” He gets up and lets himself be folded into the embrace. “How are you?”

“Good, very good.” He sits down and Rafa has a moment to look at him while the waiter takes his drinks order. Not much different, hair shorter, wearing a suit - _a suit_ – he takes a few sips of his drink, wondering what he’s dreading most, that they might have nothing to say to each other or the very opposite.

“This was a great choice, Rafa, the food here is superb.”

“You come here often?” _What a terrible line._

“I used to bring the STA officials here when I needed to convince them of something. Soften them up.”

“Marco said they were a nightmare.”

“He wasn’t kidding. The French guys don’t like anything the Germans do just because, they’re always looking for a reason to argue and then when you change something to please them the German guys don’t like it because you’re giving in to the French. Oh thank you.” The waiter has returned with his drink and menus. Roger takes a quick glance at his “Do you want me to translate?”

“No, mine’s in English.”

“Oh right.” He returns to his own and studies it intently. “I’m going to have the lamb with seaweed – I’ve never had seaweed”

“You still like exotic food?”

“Oh yes.” He returns to the menu and laughs. “I bet you’re going to have the lemon sole.”

“Actually I was.” He hadn’t chosen yet but it probably would have been the sole.

“I knew it.” He smiles again – he seems very much more relaxed than Rafa is himself. Well of course he is, for him this is just a nice meal with his old boss, _he’s probably hardly thought about it all since…._

“And now – you’ve got your own business.”

“Yes – I’m mainly doing sports rehab but sometimes the hospitals refer people to me – I like that. And I’m writing a book.”

“Will it be a bestseller?”

“I doubt it. It’s just about preparing your body for sport. Actually…” he hesitates and looks a little nervous.

“What?”

“I was going to ask you if you’d mind writing a little introduction. Only a few lines – but having your name on it – you can imagine what that would mean.”

“Of course I will. Send Benito the details.”

“Thanks”.

The food arrives and the lemon sole is so good he almost forgets about Roger being there, about the tournament, about everything. He comes back to awareness to see Roger has also finished.

“How was the seaweed?”

“Very good. But not as nice as lemon sole.”

“That’s what you said” _oh Lord there’s the tiniest prickle behind his eyes_ “about ice creams.”

“Ice creams?”

“In Australia” _How embarrassing – of course Roger doesn’t remember._

“Oh, that lime stuff – that was nice but yeah, I remember looking at yours and Maria’s and thinking they looked much better. That was a great trip, I loved it that year.”

“So did I. Maria’s getting married.”

“Is she?” He looks at Rafa with sudden kindness. “I told you she’d be OK”.

“She seems really in love and she’s invited me to the wedding.”

Roger doesn’t answer immediately. “That must mean a lot to you.”

“It does. Of course you were right – it was silly of me to think a woman would never get over me, but I’m very glad to know she has.”

“Dessert?”

“What? Oh….yes.”

The dessert is even better than the lemon sole.

“I should have played Basel before. I’ll have to from now on.”

“I’d like that.” _Is it his imagination or is Roger’s look a little intense?_ “I’ve been disappointed every year when you didn’t play it.”

“I’m sorry, it’s just so close to Paris and London.”

“Yes, the schedule’s a little off.”

“Do you still play?”

“I do. My club made it to the Finals one year.”

“And you didn’t win?”

“No, but we didn’t expect to really, we knew there were clubs better than us. But it was still great to be there. I’m hoping you’ll make the Final here.”

“I’ll try. Do you want me to get you a ticket if I do?”

“Thanks, but I get entry anyway.”

“OK” And after that he’ll go to Paris and London and home and not see Roger for another year. Is that what he wants? “Coffee?”

“Please.”

The waiter brings two perfect espressos.

“The service has been so good here.”

“Yes..but don’t you think…that waiter’s been looking so cool all evening but I bet the whole of the next year he’ll be saying _oh I served Rafael Nadal in my restaurant_ – he probably pretends he owns the place – he’ll bring guys back here and say _that’s where I gave him the chocolate tart._ ”

Is that just the voice in his head or is it coming from Roger for real?

“Guys?”

“Trust me, it’s guys.”

The coffee’s finished – what does he do now? He can’t suggest going for drinks – he has a match tomorrow.

“After I play my last match – whenever that is – could we have drinks or something?” _Please say No, please don’t say No, say No, don’t ……_

“I’d like that. We have a lot to catch up on – we haven’t even talked about all your success.”

“No.” What does that matter? That isn’t the important thing to be talking about. “We’ll talk properly then.”

**So what did you think about that Rafa? Was I like you expected? Or was it like birthdays and things when you’re a kid – you look forward to it so much and then it isn’t quite as good as you thought it would be – I remember the time I wanted a football kit and my parents gave me a chemistry set – it just sat in a cupboard for years – if I’d used it then I wouldn’t have had to work so hard at college.**

***************************************************************

**One Night Later**

"Roger, don't hold out on me. How was it?"

"Diana, I told you - we had a nice time, you know how good the food is there."

"Did you kiss?"

"No."

"So are you going to see him again?"

"We're going to have drinks after his last match."

"Ahh."

"Don't look at me like that."

"Pack a toothbrush."

"It's not like that. If he'd felt that way he would have got in touch before now."

"Did you ever try to get in touch with _him_?"

"I sent him a couple of texts...... Stop laughing."

"I'm going to come over and knock your heads together."

"I told you...it's not like....." _Diana really doesn't know anything about men....._

**Before the Final**

“Tio, I’m not going to be leaving until tomorrow, I’ve got a flight booked in the morning.”

“Any particular reason?”

“I’m having drinks with a friend.”

“Don’t let it distract you from the Final.”

“I won’t”. He’s long been able to separate any private emotions from what he does on court, especially in a Final, he knows how to give that side of himself that is pure competitor full and free reign.

"And Rafael...."

"What?"

"Good luck, I hope things turn out the way you want."

"Thank you." _Does he even know what that is?_


	13. Chapter 13

**After the Final**

It had indeed not been a problem to focus during the match although truthfully he hadn't really needed to be at full strength. The presser had been a different matter though - he'd managed to get through it OK but there was no doubt the questions had seemed even more irritating than usual. And the glad-handing with the sponsors had been tedious beyond belief. But it's all over now and he can actually concentrate on the important things......

**You’re wondering what to wear Rafa? You think that matters? For all you know I’m deep in a committed monogamous relationship with someone better looking than you. How much is that going to hurt when you find out? Or maybe you’ll actually be relieved - until you realise you’ve wasted a lot of the last two years on an illusion – think about Felipe – he was cute, if you hadn’t been so busy thinking about what you didn't have you might have been happily settled by now. Maybe you’d be better off not even asking any questions – just have a little chat about nothing and then get back to your life.**

And yet still he hesitates while choosing his clothes – jeans might be too casual but he knows how enticing they make his body look – surely there can be no resistance – fuck, is he planning a seduction here? What would be the point of that - to touch Roger and then let him go again? In the end he puts on the jeans, shuts the door on his bedroom and vows not to go near it for the rest of the evening.

**Good decision, Rafa, after all you don't want to make a fool of yourself do you? If I'd been interested in a relationship wouldn't I have got in touch with you at some point? This meet-up was your idea wasn't it - I'm just being polite.**

And yet he has no real doubts about what he's going to do despite the relentless efforts of Fantasy Roger to divert him from his intentions. The last two years he has been like an injured man reliant on painkillers – they’ve worked fine – he’s lived a successful, even happy, life – but the original wound is still there, making him cautious, afraid to move forward in case the hidden pain roars into life. Its time to be bold. Rip off the plaster, expose the wound, maybe it will hurt like shit for a while but then it will heal.

****************************************************

If Roger himself has spent more than five minutes wondering what to wear it doesn’t show, he looks exactly the same as he did every day when he was working with Rafa. Which is probably a bad sign.

“Rafa, well done on the win. You never gave him a chance at all.”

“Thanks, did you watch it?”

“Of course I did.” _A leap of joy_. “I watch it every year.” _Oh crap._

“What do you want to drink? And – should I order food? Have you eaten?” 

“No, something to eat would be great.” _Thank God_.

"What would you like?”

“Give me the menu.” He studies it intently as he always does with food. “I think I’ll have steak and chips.”

“Isn’t that a bit boring?”

"Sometimes I'm in the mood for that".

He must stop wondering what every word of Roger's "means". He quickly phones reception and puts the order through.

"Rafa, I’ve been watching your career obviously, but tell me everything’s that happened anyway. I want to know.”

“OK”. Normally he hates reciting the details of what he’s done – it feels like an endless press conference - but telling Roger is fine, he knows more than enough about the game not to be asking stupid questions. Roger even nods approvingly as he explains what Javier has been doing - perhaps not surprisingly as he'd left him very detailed instructions.

“And that US Open in 16? I don’t know how you got through that.”

“Neither do I. It took me a week before I even moved properly again.”

“You needed me.”

“I’m not sure even you could have helped.” _That’s a lie – don’t think about that._

 _"_ Maybe not. It sounds like Javier is doing a great job."

“He is. What about you? What made you leave that STA job? Just the politics?”

“A mixture of things.” He sits back in the sofa, looking totally at home. “I’d set up the programme more or less how I wanted, I was very proud of it, but the paperwork and the politics were driving me insane. Then a friend of mine asked me if I could help his brother – he’d had an accident and he could barely move. So we worked together but I felt like I hadn’t really helped him that much – he was moving a bit better but it didn’t seem all that different. But when I said that to him he went “Roger, I can get myself to the kitchen to make my wife a cup of coffee, on a good day I can make love to her again. How can you think that’s not important?” That’s when I knew I had to get back to my real job.”

“And you’re happy with it?”

“Very. Rafa, if you were wanting to ask me if I’d…..” He’s interrupted by a knock at the door. “Ah, food. Excellent.” Rafa has no idea if he’s relieved or disappointed that Roger didn’t get to finish the sentence. And there’s no chance of getting him to talk while he’s eating.

“How was the steak and chips?”

“Very good. But I should have gone for something more exciting.”

This is what it would have been like if Roger had stayed – lots of comfortable evenings together, maybe they would have talked, watched a film, normal things. How does he prolong this?

“Would you like another drink?”

“Please.” He doesn’t look in any hurry which must be good surely? At some point he’s going to have to screwup his courage and really talk.

“Rafa, can I ask you about something more personal?”

“Of course, what?”

“What made you decide to come out publicly?”

 _Why would he ask that? Oh stop it - he's just making conversation._ “I was tired of living in fear, wondering if someone was going to see me coming out of a club. Not that I go to clubs very often, I don't have time! But…. I was at the top of the game – I thought – if I don’t do it who will? You can’t expect guys lower down to take on the battle.”

“I guess not.” He gives Rafa a reassuring smile. “You like a fight don’t you?”

“I don’t like it but I’m prepared for it. Were you surprised that I did it?”

“I thought…” For the first time that evening Roger seems less than at ease. “I thought there must be somebody…that you had a relationship you wanted to make public.”

“No, there wasn’t anybody. There’s been people but not a relationship.”

“I’m sorry, you don’t have to tell me all this – it’s none of my business.”

“It’s fine. Ask anything.”

“Are you happy with that?”

“I’m happy with my life but I haven’t met anyone I wanted to share it with – not like that anyway.”

“Oh.”

“Not since….” He gets up and moves almost blindly to the window – isn’t this the moment to start talking honestly? But he can’t look at Roger when he does that – can’t see the look of embarrassment, the kindness when he tells Rafa he doesn’t feel the same way. “Not since you left.”

“Rafa, you never said anything.”

“I knew you wanted to go…I didn’t want you to feel bad about it.”

“You idiot… _you total idiot_ – I was so hoping you would say something.” Rafa turns back – Roger looks shaken. “Why didn’t you?”

“Why didn’t _you_?”

“I don’t know – I just thought you didn’t want a relationship – you didn’t want to come out in public – and then when you never got in touch that just proved it for me.”

 _God, the waste_. “Roger, I never got in touch because it would have been too painful, I didn’t think I could stand it. Talking about nothing - being polite - when I just wanted to beg you to stay.”

“Who’s more stupid, you or me?”

“Fuck knows.” He comes back to sit opposite Roger again, clearly the time for honesty is now. "I think I just got lost in fear - we don't speak the same first language - then there's your career - I'd messed it up so badly with Maria, ....I should have had more courage.“

"Me too. I thought of all the problems instead of just thinking we could work them out."

"Have you been in a relationship? Are you now?” _He's not going to be a coward any more._

“No. I’ve had lovers but not boyfriends.”

“Oh.” What now? Just because they’ve both been stupid doesn’t mean they can just carry on as if the last two years never happened. “We’re both in the same position then”

“Why did you get in touch now?”

“Because I wanted to see you. Even if it doesn’t lead to anything – maybe neither of us even wants that, I don’t know. It might be all too late.”

Silence from Roger is so rare Rafa doesn’t know whether that’s good or bad.

“Can I ask you something else?”

“Anything”

“Were you feeling your back on court today? There were odd moments when it seemed like you were.”

 _That doesn’t seem very romantic._ “A bit.”

“I wondered if you’d like me to try and do something about it.”

Have Roger’s hands on him again? Oh yes, he’d like that very much.

“Please.”

“Right here?”

“Why not?” It’s a very thick rug and it doesn’t take long for him to remember how good this used to feel. “Roger, I think you do this even better now.”

“It’s possible. I have some new ideas on how the back should be protected.” He launches into a detailed explanation and it’s just like it was before – Roger’s words and his hands creating that world where Rafa’s muscles relax and his whole body feels at peace. What a hole it had left in his life when it was gone.

“You OK?”

“Fine – I’m just realising how much I’ve missed this.”

It seems to have been the wrong thing to say – the hands are lifted from his body.

“Have you finished?”

“No, but I feel like I’m not being honest with you. Rafa, if you’re going to ask me if I’ll go back to touring with you I’m sorry – I just can’t. I love what I’m doing now – I can’t leave my business and even if I wanted to I couldn’t let down my clients. I shouldn’t have offered to do this – of course you’d get the wrong idea.”

“That’s OK” The disappointment causes him to swallow for the moment. “It was nice anyway.”

“And for me too. But I wasn’t thinking straight, this is what I really wanted to do.” He leans forward and kisses Rafa firmly on the lips before sitting up and looking at him. “It was just an excuse.”

There’s nothing to say to that except to pull him down on to the rug and find those lips again (and more) – if he’d thought he was enjoying Roger handling his body when it was just physio it’s nothing to how much he’s liking this.

“Can we move to the bedroom?”

Roger groans in response. “Oh yes.”

************************************************

He wakes before the alarm – a brief thought of cancelling his flight had crossed his mind the night before but no, if he’s to be in any way prepared for Paris he can’t delay. It’s not his favourite tournament but champions don’t just throw things away.

**And that’s how it’s going to be Rafa, you know that don’t you? You have your career and he has his and if you’re going to make this work it will be hard, there’ll be times when you’ll be lonely, times when you’ll fight, times when you get on each other’s nerves. And I’ll be gone, I can feel myself fading away already - a fantasy can’t survive so much reality. If it all goes wrong I won’t be coming back either. Will you miss me?**

_Yes I will. But if there is any chance I can have a real relationship with Roger then I have to try, I can’t live my life in dreams._

**Then goodbye and good luck. Be happy.**

Even though Rafa hadn’t spoken aloud Roger stirs awake.

“Is it time for your flight yet?”

“No. There’s time for breakfast.”

“Good. I need a coffee.”

“Let me make the order.”

Unsurprisingly Roger’s idea of breakfast turns out to be much more substantial than just coffee.

“I do miss room service from touring with you. It’s like eating at home without having to bother cooking or tidying up.”

“You remember that dinner in Madrid?”

“Oh, that was the best.” He pauses and puts down his croissant (his second, after two rounds of toast) “Rafa, I can’t change my mind on what I said last night….I’m so sorry.”

“Don’t be – if we’re to have any chance of making this work” he swallows as the fear grips his throat and gives it a squeeze. _Had they actually settled last night that they were going to try?_ “Your career has to be as important as mine – I get that. That’s if you want…"

“I was thinking I could make a trip when you’re in London. Show you all the places I used to hang out – I know you won’t have much time free but I can fit around you.”

“I’d love that.” He releases his breath. “And then there’s the break – we could fit something in before Australia, maybe.”

“I could have a Spanish Christmas – or you could have a Swiss one. Nothing’s better than a Swiss Christmas. There’s this day in early December where kids get sweets from Santa Claus. My mother used to tell us how lucky we were that we got to see him before the rest of the world.” Rafa half listens but he’s distracted by watching the way Roger’s hair seems to lift off his head when he’s animated - he’d forgotten that - the way his beautiful hands move through the air as he talks. Will he start to get annoyed by Roger’s conversation? Bored? Or will he always love it just because it’s Roger’s? His grandfather always used to moan about his grandmother insisting on having meals at precisely the same time each day but when she’d died he’d stuck to exactly the same timetable, he’d said that by doing it he could pretend she was still there. That’s the reality of the life he wants to have with Roger.

“Rafa, what do you think?”

“I’m sorry, what was the question again?”

“People always say this to me…you should stop me before I go on too much.”

Probably he’ll have to learn to do that sometime. But not right now. “What did you ask?”

"Are we thinking the same way here? I'm not interested in hook-ups or an FWB thing...I want more than that."

"So do I."

"Good. And what do you want to do before your flight?” The way he’s grinning suggests Roger already has an answer in mind.

He looks at his watch. “There’s time for more of what we did last night.” Which hadn’t been all about sex, it had also been touches and laughter and sharing memories and finally the sheer bliss of falling asleep with the person you most want to be with.

“Great idea.”

No fantasy could ever match the reality of this.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope everyone thought that was a satisfying ending!
> 
> Many thanks to everyone who has read the story and if you have enjoyed it please leave a comment. Make my Lockdown day!


End file.
